Meanwhile, Back on the Farm ...

I have been slacking off majorly in the story department here. I’m pretty sure I left off just before my first visit to LDS Family Services. I’ll start there, I think.

My mother called LDSFS and made an appointment for me. I did not want to go. I did not want to go AT ALL. I went anyway. It was a Wednesday in November. The 12th, if I’m not mistaken.

I have a notoriously poor sense of direction and I had a hard time finding the place. And then someone tailgated me through the parking lot, which is one of my all-time biggest pet peeves. Then they tried to go around me. In a parking lot! I was unimpressed, to say the least.

I went in and checked in with the receptionist. She asked whom my appointment was with, a detail my mother had neglected to write down (if she got it at all). I told the receptionist I didn’t know who I was supposed to see. She gave me a look like I was the stupidest person on earth and she was more than slightly impatient with me. This did not endear me to the receptionist or to LDSFS in general. Nevertheless, I took a seat in the waiting area.

It turned out that the caseworker I was supposed to meet with had to leave the office because one of her kids was sick. So I met with the other caseworker, and I am so glad I did! I met with S that day. We connected right away – we have about a million things in common. In my journal I described her as “fantastically awesome,” which is a phrase I still stand by today.

My mother had told me not to tell H about my pregnancy until I talked to someone at LDSFS, because she was concerned about what rights H’s family might have, specifically his mother. My mom had heard stories from people about custody problems involving grandparents and she wanted to make sure I had answers before I started talking.

S had answers. She explained that while H had rights, no one in his family did. She told me to tell H, and soon. I wasn’t sure how best to do that, since I had told him just two days ago that I wasn’t pregnant. But when I left that office, I felt better than I had in weeks. I felt sure that things would work out. I didn’t feel pressured to go with adoption, although I wrote in my journal that “I’m beginning to see why it’s a good idea.” But then, I thought, how can I handle going through so much and then have nothing to show for it?

The best thing S told me that day was to stop being ashamed of my baby because there was no need for it. What a relief that was! One of the biggest obstacles facing a woman with an unplanned pregnancy is society’s refusal to separate the behavior that leads to pregnancy from the pregnancy itself. A baby is a wonderful thing. S helped me to see that. Regardless of how my baby was conceived, he or she (I knew it was a she, though) was a precious child of God, and nothing to be ashamed of. I never forgot that, and I never will.

My mother and I went out to dinner after that – to celebrate. It was quite a change from my mother’s incredulity at my doctor’s congratulations a few weeks before. It was so nice to not feel like a horrible disappointment to my mother. To feel, for the first time in three weeks, that my baby was a good thing. It seems funny now that I was ever anything less than thrilled at the prospect of mommyhood. Roo is the best thing that ever happened to me. I think I first started to recognize that possibility when I spoke to S.

So. I'm back. (My knee-jerk instinct was to use the name of an Elton John song for the title, but I refrained.)

I had it in my head that I was going to get back to blogging on February 1st, but what can I say? I missed it. I got this itch to write that I couldn't ignore.

I needed a break. I had a lot of things tumbling around in my head that I needed to work through before I wrote anything else stupid or offensive or inappropriate. I have a bad habit of blogging without thinking, and I'm going to try to work on that.

I've been sort of assessing what I've been writing about and why ... and I've been unable to form any sort of reasonable conclusions. So I'm just going to say this: I hope that the overall message my readers get is a positive one. That adoption is an amazing and wonderful thing. I would do it all over again in a heartbeat.

And I promise I'll have something worthwhile and interesting to say soon.

Visit!

I had a fantastic visit with Roo and her mommy today. It was so good to see them both! I may be slightly biased, but I think Roo is the smartest, most beautiful baby ever. I also happen to think that everything Roo does is an adorable act of genius. Surely no baby has ever drooled as charmingly as she does. She is a prodigious and prolific drooler. And she figured out a way to chew on one toy while holding another - such a clever girl! She is getting so big.

Most important, she is happy. I have never seen a happier baby. She is content. She smiles every time she sees her mommy. She doesn't just look at M. Roo sees her mama, and her whole face lights up, like, "Oh! Mommy, it's you! I love you!" It is the cutest thing ever.

I am so blessed to have an open adoption! P and M are the very best parents, and I know they love me. How spoiled am I to have seen them and Roo as often as I have? I am a very spoiled girl, and I am so grateful.

Guess who ...

... just got a temple recommend.

Go on, guess.

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Give up? I'll tell you.

I DID!

I'm excited.

(Can you tell I'm excited?)

Take that, Satan! :-P

I'm going to take a little break from blogging here, I've decided. Something came to my attention recently that's made me question what I'm doing here and why, and I need some time to figure things out for myself, without making things worse than I already have.

Thanks for reading, folks. I'll be back soon. I hope.

Snaps for The Happiest Sad!

Can I brag for a moment? (Of course I can!)

I was bored earlier - something that happens with astounding regularity these days. In any case, I was wasting some time with Google. I Googled myself and, even after adjusting my search to eliminate any results mentioning the Canadian singer/songwriter who shares my name, I didn't come up. I went through over 300 search results and didn't find myself. Which was sort of depressing.

But then I Googled this little blog here, and much to my surprise, I found The Happiest Sad listed on About.com. They've rated my blog as one of the top 10 birth mom blogs out there! The link is here: http://adoption.about.com/od/newsandreference/tp/birthparentblog.htm

I am so surprised and so flattered! This totally made my day. Maybe I'm not doing so bad after all!