Once upon a time, I thought I'd get myself "caught up" in telling my pregnancy story, and I thought I'd get to the point where I was exactly a year out, and I could reflect on labor and delivery and all that a year to the day afterward.
Obviously, I'm not there. I don't think I've gotten to the end of May yet, have I? I'm slacking. And stalling. I don't know if I'm ready to go there yet. I thought that distance, that time - a year, for crying out loud - would make a difference. I thought that like with everything else, the pain would lessen after a while, and I could write about things without getting so emotional.
Why do I always have to be wrong about these things? I started reading through my journal for the month of June, year 2009, and I couldn't do it. It hurt too much. The pain felt so fresh. Maybe it's because of the time of the year. It feels too much like it's what's happening now. I can close my eyes and pretend I'm there. It hasn't been long enough yet.
I don't think I'm ready yet. I meant to be. I thought I'd be. When I wrote that bit on my due date, I realized how far behind on my story I am, and it was frustrating.
I started this blog for Roo but it's too public now for me to be as open about things as I want, so a few months ago I started a private blog, just for Roo, and I spill everything I can think of there, because she deserves to know everything, not just what I feel comfortable sharing with the world. Last night I wrote a few things down for her, because it was on July 5th that labor was induced, and I wanted to record my memories of that for her.
I could barely type through the tears. I'm getting throat fizzies just thinking about it. So many things have gotten easier with time, but I guess this isn't one of them. It comes down to this: I'm just not ready yet. Someone asked me on my Formspring a few months ago when I was going to finish my pregnancy story, and the answer I gave at the time was true at the time. But I'm not sure now. I think the answer is, when I'm ready.
And I'm not there yet.