Tuesday, July 6, 2010

Here's the Story

Once upon a time, I thought I'd get myself "caught up" in telling my pregnancy story, and I thought I'd get to the point where I was exactly a year out, and I could reflect on labor and delivery and all that a year to the day afterward.

Obviously, I'm not there. I don't think I've gotten to the end of May yet, have I? I'm slacking. And stalling. I don't know if I'm ready to go there yet. I thought that distance, that time - a year, for crying out loud - would make a difference. I thought that like with everything else, the pain would lessen after a while, and I could write about things without getting so emotional.

Why do I always have to be wrong about these things? I started reading through my journal for the month of June, year 2009, and I couldn't do it. It hurt too much. The pain felt so fresh. Maybe it's because of the time of the year. It feels too much like it's what's happening now. I can close my eyes and pretend I'm there. It hasn't been long enough yet.

I don't think I'm ready yet. I meant to be. I thought I'd be. When I wrote that bit on my due date, I realized how far behind on my story I am, and it was frustrating.

I started this blog for Roo but it's too public now for me to be as open about things as I want, so a few months ago I started a private blog, just for Roo, and I spill everything I can think of there, because she deserves to know everything, not just what I feel comfortable sharing with the world. Last night I wrote a few things down for her, because it was on July 5th that labor was induced, and I wanted to record my memories of that for her.

I could barely type through the tears. I'm getting throat fizzies just thinking about it. So many things have gotten easier with time, but I guess this isn't one of them. It comes down to this: I'm just not ready yet. Someone asked me on my Formspring a few months ago when I was going to finish my pregnancy story, and the answer I gave at the time was true at the time. But I'm not sure now. I think the answer is, when I'm ready.

And I'm not there yet.


Unknown said...

I waited until L was almost 6 before I wrote out her entire story in one sitting, and I still bawled uncontrolably after all that time. Just because we know it's right doesn't make it easy. If you're not ready yet, then that's okay, just take your time.

AubreyMo said...

Writing is supposed to be our own little source of therapy - and if it's stressful and you feel like you can't do it, sometimes it's best to walk away from it for a bit. What's that quote I'm thinking of...something about “We write to taste life twice, in the moment and in retrospection” - by Anais Nin.

So essentially you are living it over again. Take your time dear. You're writing for Roo but also for yourself.

Susie said...

The birthday month is always hard. Even in reunion. Even 31 years later...

Take your time, you will be ready ~ someday.


Laura said...

You're so brave anyway -- no need to push yourself. By the way, this is random, but in your pics of Roo, she has the most adorable mouth EVER.