Tuesday, March 20, 2012

Right

I haven't ranted in a while. I think it's time :)

I want to state at the outset that this a really stupid, ridiculous thing to be bothered by. I am acutely aware of that. In the grand scheme of things, this matters very little if at all. But I'm going to complain anyway, because I'm Jill, and that's what I do.

In the past 3 years I have heard a lot of opinions about adoption and parenting and the choice that I made. The things that I hear tend to fall into three categories. There are the nice, appropriate comments that people make; there are the stupid, inappropriate things comments that people make; and there are the ostensibly nice comments that people make that seem nice and that come from a good place but that actually kind of bug me, especially when I think a lot about them. (I know this is going to be kind of a shock, but I am the sort of person who overthinks things.)

Last week I heard something from the third category. It's something I've heard before and it's always bothered me a smidge, but I tended to put it in the second category based on the people who said it. But this time it was said by someone I love and respect, and I think that's why it bothered me.

I was telling her about how proud I am of the choice I made, and how happy I am with it. And she said to me, “Well, of course you're proud. You did the right thing.”

I know that I did the right thing. If I hadn't been one million percent sure adoption was the right thing, I wouldn't have done it. When I talk about adoption, I often say the words, “I know I did the right thing for Roo.” So why does it bug me when someone agrees with me?

It bothers me because it's a judgment. It's a judgment of my behavior by someone who has no stake in the choice or the consequences; someone who has no right to choose or to judge my situation. I know that I did the right thing. But it's not for anyone else to tell me I chose right. Because it was my choice to make. “Right” was my judgment call.

Adoption was the right choice for Roo. I know that. But I feel like when people tell me, “You did the right thing,” they're really telling me that they judge women who don't choose adoption. If my choice was right, not placing must be wrong. They're telling me, “If you hadn't placed Roo, I would think you made a poor choice.”

But you know what? I don't think that adoption is just this big Band-Aid that covers every situation and fits every person. I may have thought so before I got pregnant, but I sure as heck don't think so now. It's so easy to look at a situation from the outside and think that adoption is obviously the best choice. But it doesn't matter if you think it's the right choice. What matters is the opinion of the one doing the choosing.

When I was pregnant, pretty much every person I talked to (including my family) told me that adoption was the right choice and that parenting would be a mistake. It was pretty awkward when I parented, because I knew that no one thought I was doing what was right; they felt I had made the wrong choice. Whether my choice was right or wrong isn't the issue here. The issue is that everyone else thought it was for them to decide what was right for my baby.

I know that people mean well. I figure that when people tell me I made the right choice they think they're complimenting me. But there are so many other words that they could use – brave, selfless, mature, heroic, incredible. I don't feel super comfortable with any of those except maybe “selfless.” I mean, it's not like I pulled a family of five out of a burning building. But “right” … it's beyond uncomfortable. It raises my hackles and puts me in a defensive position.

I know I chose right. And I want you to know that I know I chose right. But I don't want you to decide that I chose right. Does that make sense?

I didn't say any of this to my friend. I'm hoping that her conviction that I chose right grew out of seeing my own conviction in my choice. I'm hoping that she has seen for herself why I know my choice was right. It would hurt my heart if she thought it was her place to decide whether I did the right thing. It's no one's place but mine.

8 comments:

riversnake said...

I understand why this comment would rub you the wrong way. There are comments that seem to come from a place of kindess that also bother me because they come off as judgemental. One for instance is "Children are a blessing." As a fellow member of the Mormon faith I'm sure you hear this one as often as I do! However, when you can't have children or when you choose to place a child for adoption it can also leave one feeling that if children are a blessing, aparently us infertiles and first parents aren't "worthy" of the blessing. Maybe I'm super sensitive and over think things, too, but it bugs me and so I definitely understand your need to rant about this.

Amen, Sister!

~ Jill

Rachel said...

I am going to link to this post on my blog. Let me know if that isn't okay!

Thanks for all of your thoughts.

TTABaby said...

It bothers me as well as an adoptive mom. When people tell me I "saved my daughter" or that she made a "good choice". It judges my daughters birthmom as well as my dtr. I feel like so many people think being open about adoption means you are open to hearing their opinion about your adoption.

Xander and Alana (but mostly Alana) said...

"I feel like so many people think being open about adoption means you are open to hearing their opinion about your adoption."

Amen to that. I mean, I know we're all supposed to be selfless saint-ish people, but I get so tired of hearing other people's opinions about adoption...even when they are well-intended. I'm glad to know I'm not alone in my annoyance!

Emily in Wonderland said...

I think everybody has to make their own choices and the only person who knows what's best for you, is you. (And God). That only you can make those deciscions for yourself and figure things out.

That said when you love someone it's hard not to put your two cents in. Or 4,000 cents in.

But when you share with other people about your private experiences... if they are agreeing with you, and supporting your statements, what should they say if not the above? (Which is societally acceptable/normal. I also think of it as comparable to "It was the right choice for YOU... because you just told me it was.")

Should the person say...It was the wrong decision? Silence? That's nice dear?

If what we, as non-birth mothers perceive to be the "right" thing to say- something I would think of as being supportive, is wrong, offensive, and upsetting, then, what are we supposed to do, or say or act?

What's the best way for a non-birth mom to be supportive and kind when she responds to a birth mom saying the above statement?

For me, when I read/hear "You made the right choice" I don't hear judegment, I hear the birth mom's sentiment echoed back in a longer statement- "You made the right choice for you because you just told me yourself you did, and that's why you feel good/safe/at peace about it."

For my situation, which is far, far different from yours, but encounters a lot of judgement, when I tell my story, I need to hear "you did the right thing." But my "right thing" is on another planet and in another galaxy from your situation. :/

cmgr said...

I echo the previous poster. You're waaaay over thinking a friendly, begnin statement and spending way too much energy getting upset about it. What on Earth are supportive people supposed to say, since all but one of the words you listed are unacceptable? Perhaps you could write a blog about what we should say.

jj said...

"I know I chose right. And I want you to know that I know I chose right. But I don't want you to decide that I chose right. Does that make sense?

I didn't say any of this to my friend. I'm hoping that her conviction that I chose right grew out of seeing my own conviction in my choice. I'm hoping that she has seen for herself why I know my choice was right. It would hurt my heart if she thought it was her place to decide whether I did the right thing. It's no one's place but mine."

In regards to the last sentence, is it not also Roo's?

Having said that, what your friend said irritated me too and I was trying to think exactly why. Is it perhaps because you are talking about different actions? For example, I feel that you were saying that you are proud of the specific decision of placing Roo with her parents and thus the decision you are proud of is the actual placement with loving parents. I got the impression that your friend seemed to be saying more that you should be proud that you relinquished her, that the actual act of separating yourself from your child was the right thing to do, i.e. she is making an assumption about your worthiness to parent.

As an adoptee, I'll be honest and say that I don't think I could ever have said to my bmom "you did the right thing" because to me, I would be making an assumption that is not mine to make. I think I would feel my heart drop if she had said to me "I did the right thing". My head would probably realise that she is saying "I did what was considered best for you at the time given the options I had and the times being what they were" but my heart would probably hear "I did the right thing in separating myself from you and never seeing you again". That is why I do think it is very important to get the language right.

My bmom passed away young (I would still have been at school) so I can't ever really know how she felt. However, I am in contact with my lovely extended bfamily and thus I do have some idea about what she was like (she sounds like she was a good kind decent woman). If I had ever had the chance to speak to her, I think I would have tried to say something like the following:
1) I would tell her that I had a good family and never felt unloved or unsafe - thus reassuring her that I was safe and loved.
2) I would then say something along the lines of "I know that you did what was considered best for me at the time given the options you had and the times being what they were" - this would reassure her that I understand her decision without making any assumptions about her feelings etc.

My heart does hope that she relinquished me only because she had no other viable option. Many people would tell my heart that it is being selfish but one can't help what one's heart feels.

Monika said...

I SO agree with this! No one else but us gets to decide if we made the "right" choice for our children or not by relinquishment. I hate the implication in that comment that if we hadn't chosen relinquishment it would've been the wrong choice.

WTG on the rant, Jill!