Sunday, July 5, 2015

July 5, 2009

I don't know if I've ever mentioned it before but I kept a private blog that I updated every single day of my pregnancy. It was half first-person, half asides to Roo, who I called Peanut because that's what she looked like on my first ultrasound. I was induced on July 5, and this year it's on a Sunday again like it was the year Roo was born. As such I've been thinking a lot about that experience and looking at the clock, dredging up my timestamped memories. I started a long, feelings-laden post earlier today but I abandoned it because I remembered my pregnancy blog.

I'm not going to share everything I wrote the day I was induced because some of it is very, very personal and the only person I can imagine letting read it is Roo in 20 years or so, when she's the same age as I was when I wrote it. But I do want to copy and paste bits and pieces for your reading pleasure.

I was fully committed to single parenting when I wrote this but I had oh so many worries and fears, which I think is normal for anyone about to have their first baby. Reading it now, knowing that I would place Roo for adoption 9 weeks later, is a little bittersweet.

I sure love that girl. Always have, always will. There's not a doubt in my mind that adoption was the best thing in the world for her. I'm lucky to have that kind of conviction. I know too many birth moms who don't.

And now, a blast from the past.

July 5, 2009

Normally I would have done my baby blogging ... oh, you know, like 15 hours ago. But I didn't get on the computer last night. I wanted to get a good night's sleep (my last ever?) and talk to Mom and cry and a million other things.

Why am I so depressed about having a baby? I should be excited, I know that. I should be counting down the hours until I get to hold my sweet little Peanut at last. But all I want to do is cry.

It's not just because the prospect of labor frightens me, although there is that. It's that I don't know if I'm ready to be a mother. I am terrified that I won't be a good mother ... I've been thinking more about adoption in the past few days than I ever did before.

Oh, sweet little Peanut. How sorry I am. You deserve so much more than me, than I can ever hope to be. What if I'm not meant to have you? Will I know somehow? I hope so. I've been through so much, though. How on earth could I put myself through another devastating loss? Oh, Peanut. How I love you. I only want what's best for you. But what if that isn't me?

Shoot. This isn't how I should be thinking right now. I've got to leave for the hospital in two hours. I should be ... I don't know. Eating dinner. Relaxing. Talking to Mom. Breathing. Double-checking my bag. Something else. Anything else.

You will be worth it all, Peanut. I know it.

I love you, little girl. Don't you ever doubt it.