Today is thanksgiving. As hard as the past few years have been, I don’t think I’ve ever had as much to be thankful for as I do this year. I have been so blessed by my Father in Heaven. I have very little to complain about, really.
Today, like every day, I am thankful for Roo. I am thankful that I got to be her mommy for a little while, and that I get to be her birth mother forever. I am thankful that she is healthy and happy and safe and smart and beautiful. I am thankful to be in her life. I am thankful for P and M for being her parents and for being my friends. I am thankful for the miracle of adoption, and for an open adoption. I am thankful that Roo’s sister’s birth mom placed her baby with P and M, too, so the two girls can be sisters. I am thankful that Roo’s adoption will be finalized soon and that she will be sealed to her family for eternity.
I am thankful for a loving God who can make ugly things beautiful and bitter things sweet. I am thankful that out of sadness and darkness came the wonderful blessing that is Roo. I can’t imagine the world, or my life, without her. I am eternally grateful for that sweet, wonderful little girl, and how her life has changed mine. I’m just glad I could return the favor.
Thursday, November 26, 2009
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
The End is Near!
It’s the 25th of November! National Adoption Month is nearly at an end. And I have blogged EVERY DAY! Sometimes two or three times a day. I’m proud of myself. I wasn’t sure I had that much to say. I thought I’d blog every day this month and be done with my blog, because I couldn’t possibly have anything more to say than all I’d blog about for thirty days.
But I find I’ve still got a lot left in me. I STILL haven’t gotten any farther along in my story. I left off a year ago, as I recall, just before I went to LDSFS for the first time and met S. So I’ve got plenty more to write about. And the thing about this all is that there will always be more. I will always be a birth mother, and I will always miss my Roo. There will always be more to say, more to feel. Even as I’m going back a year and telling my story up to the point where I started this blog, I will have more thoughts and feelings, more visits, more presentations. More to do, more to say. I’m sort of looking forward to it. I don’t think I’m quite crazy enough to commit to blogging every single day again, but taking Mrs. R’s NAM challenge has been good for me.
It’s going to be strange not going to group tonight. I’ve been going to LDSFS’s birth mother support group every Wednesday since I placed Roo. But tomorrow’s Thanksgiving, so we’re not meeting. I never thought I’d say this, but I’m actually going to miss it. Even though the conversation tends to be dominated by the same two or three people every week and I sometimes feel like no one would notice if I got up and left the room, there’s something about being with people who can relate to you in some way that is comforting.
It’s strange to think that I was pregnant a year ago. Roo was still a tiny speck in my belly. Now she is a beautiful, chubby, happy 4-month-old. I placed her 11 weeks ago today. How time has flown! A year ago, I never could have imagined myself where I am now. It makes me wonder where I’ll be in a year. I’m almost looking forward to it.
But I find I’ve still got a lot left in me. I STILL haven’t gotten any farther along in my story. I left off a year ago, as I recall, just before I went to LDSFS for the first time and met S. So I’ve got plenty more to write about. And the thing about this all is that there will always be more. I will always be a birth mother, and I will always miss my Roo. There will always be more to say, more to feel. Even as I’m going back a year and telling my story up to the point where I started this blog, I will have more thoughts and feelings, more visits, more presentations. More to do, more to say. I’m sort of looking forward to it. I don’t think I’m quite crazy enough to commit to blogging every single day again, but taking Mrs. R’s NAM challenge has been good for me.
It’s going to be strange not going to group tonight. I’ve been going to LDSFS’s birth mother support group every Wednesday since I placed Roo. But tomorrow’s Thanksgiving, so we’re not meeting. I never thought I’d say this, but I’m actually going to miss it. Even though the conversation tends to be dominated by the same two or three people every week and I sometimes feel like no one would notice if I got up and left the room, there’s something about being with people who can relate to you in some way that is comforting.
It’s strange to think that I was pregnant a year ago. Roo was still a tiny speck in my belly. Now she is a beautiful, chubby, happy 4-month-old. I placed her 11 weeks ago today. How time has flown! A year ago, I never could have imagined myself where I am now. It makes me wonder where I’ll be in a year. I’m almost looking forward to it.
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
How To Irritate a Birth Mother
I love being a birth mother. Knowing that I helped to create an eternal family, that my sweet baby won’t want for anything including a father, means the world to me. Adoption is such an amazing thing and I am blessed to have it (and Roo) in my life.
But there are times when I wish I didn’t feel the burden of responsibility, the need to educate the world about adoption. I wish I didn’t have to be an adoption mythbuster and tell people why they shouldn’t ask the questions they do.
I believe that for the most part, most people are mostly good. I know that people don’t mean to offend me or other birth mothers when they say the things they do. But the fact remains that they have offended me, or bothered me, or irritated me, or made me want to smack them.
I know that there are a number of similar such lists floating around the internet, but I feel the need to add my two cents’ worth. So here is my list of things one shouldn’t say to a birth mother.
1. “Didn’t you want her?”
“Are you serious?” is how I always want to respond to this. I don’t know a single birth mother who didn’t want her baby. I wanted Roo more than I’ve ever wanted anything in my life. If I had to choose between breathing and Roo, Roo would win every time. I wanted her, and I do want her, and I love her. But this wasn’t about me or what I wanted. It couldn’t be. It had to be about what was best for Roo, and adoption was it.
2. “I could never do that.”
This one is infamous in the adoption world. I think this of all statements is the one that most would consider harmless. But when I hear that, I want to ask, “Why? Why couldn’t you do that? Wouldn’t you want the best for your baby?” So often the tone in which it is said implies that the birth mother has erred or acted impulsively or been careless, or that she did it because she doesn’t love her child. Adoption is not a choice made lightly or impulsively, and it is certainly not made because of a lack of love. Adoption *is* love. As my friend Tamra says, if I’d loved my baby just an ounce less, I would have kept her. I placed her because I love her.
I also liked Tamra’s advice to me on dealing with this comment. She said to tell people, “No, you probably couldn’t,” in a tone that implies that I am a much stronger person than they are.
If you would say to a birth mom, “I could never do that” to try to tell her that you admire her strength and courage, consider phrasing it differently. Just tell her that you admire her strength and courage and that you can’t imagine how hard it must have been for her.
3. “I’m sure you did what was best for you.”
Someone actually said this to me and I wanted to hurt them. Does anyone really, truly believe that I chose adoption for my sake? It wasn’t best for me. What was best for me was keeping and parenting the daughter I loved so very much. Placing her was hell for me, certainly not best for me. If it was about me, I’d still be a single mother. I did what was best for Roo. Period.
4. “Will she call you mom when she’s older?”
Of course not. Why would she? I’m not her mother. M is her mother. She can call me whatever she wants to. “Jill” would work just fine.
5. “Won’t she be confused about who her mom is, having you in her life?”
Well, let’s see. One of us will feed her, dress her, bathe her, read to her, sing songs with her, play with her, teach her, give her hugs and kisses and tend to her boo-boos and take her to primary and listen when she talks and make sure she’s happy and healthy and smart, be married to Roo’s father and live in the same home, in short, be her mother; and one of us will … visit from time to time. Nope, sorry, I don’t see any confusion there.
Roo will know that she grew in my tummy before she was born, and that I made sure she got to her mommy and daddy. I don’t think she will ever, for a second, be confused about exactly who is her mother.
Going along with that question, people will opine that openness must surely mess with a child’s identity and sense of self. Well, how on earth does having more people in Roo’s life who love her, mess with her? You can’t spoil a child with love. Roo has two families who love her. She will know exactly who she is. Studies show that open adoption is mutually beneficial. All members of the adoption triad find peace and joy in openness.
6. “Oh, you took the easy way out.”
This is another statement that makes me want to hurt the speaker. There hasn’t been a single easy thing about adoption. I didn’t place Roo because being her mother was too hard. Being a mother wasn’t something I wanted out of! What was hard was placing her for adoption. I have never felt sorrow and despair so deep as I did when I drove home from LDSFS without Roo in the car. It was the hardest thing I have ever done in my life and the pain nearly undid me. Don’t think for one second that adoption is the easy way out. It’s not easy and it’s not an out.
7. “Well, now that she’s been adopted, you can get back to being young and having fun.”
Oh, honestly. I couldn’t believe it when someone said that to me. Did they really think that I placed Roo because she was interfering with my social life? I would take Roo over fun and youth in a second. But I can’t have Roo. So I go out with friends instead. That doesn’t mean I placed her so I could go out and have fun.
8. “You made the right decision.” (said with an air of judgmental superiority)
Well, thanks. I’m sure glad to know that you thought I made the wrong decision when I single parented for nine weeks. And thanks for judging me and deciding what’s right for me and my baby, too. Because that was totally your call to make.
Adoption was the right decision for Roo, but not right away, and I don’t think that it’s the right decision for everyone. When someone says this to me, I wonder what they say to single mothers, women who chose parenting over adoption. “You made the wrong decision”? How rude and judgmental!
Yes, I made the right decision for Roo. But the rightness of it was for me to determine, and I don’t need anyone else to confirm it for me.
9. “You know, you could have sold her for millions! People will pay a killing for a healthy white baby.”
People will say this jokingly, but it always makes me sick. A child is not a commodity to be bought and sold. I didn’t place her for any kind of physical gain and I never, ever would. No one should. Period.
10. “Will she know that you’re her real mom?”
Sorry, I’m not her “real” mom. M is. And what’s a real mom, anyway? I didn’t place Roo with a family of cardboard cutouts. Calling me Roo’s real mom implies that M is … what, her fake mom? Uh-uh. I am Roo’s birth mother, not her real mother. Same goes for the phrase “natural mother.” What constitutes an unnatural mother? There’s a lot of negative adoption language out there I’d like to change, like …
11. “Oh, what made you decide to give your baby away?”
Excuse me, but I didn’t give her away. I didn’t put up an ad on Craigslist, “I’m giving away my baby, does anyone want her?” I placed her for adoption, but I certainly didn’t and wouldn’t ever give her away. I gave her a family. People who ask this question always want to know when P and M will tell Roo that she’s “not really theirs.” That’s funny. I was under the impression that she was really theirs. Hmm. That’s news to me! Whose is she then?
I’m sure I’ve neglected to mention a few other words and phrases that I loathe hearing, but this is the list for now. One last thing that bothers me is how many people pretend I never had Roo at all. So many people ask how I’ve been, but so few ever think to ask how Roo is doing. I don’t want to ignore those 9 weeks of my life. They are precious and wonderful. I had a baby, and I placed her for adoption. Please don’t pretend none of it happened!
And for the record, I think the best thing to say to a birth mother is, “What a brave woman you are. You must love your baby so much to have done that for her.” And leave it at that, folks, unless she wants to talk.
But there are times when I wish I didn’t feel the burden of responsibility, the need to educate the world about adoption. I wish I didn’t have to be an adoption mythbuster and tell people why they shouldn’t ask the questions they do.
I believe that for the most part, most people are mostly good. I know that people don’t mean to offend me or other birth mothers when they say the things they do. But the fact remains that they have offended me, or bothered me, or irritated me, or made me want to smack them.
I know that there are a number of similar such lists floating around the internet, but I feel the need to add my two cents’ worth. So here is my list of things one shouldn’t say to a birth mother.
1. “Didn’t you want her?”
“Are you serious?” is how I always want to respond to this. I don’t know a single birth mother who didn’t want her baby. I wanted Roo more than I’ve ever wanted anything in my life. If I had to choose between breathing and Roo, Roo would win every time. I wanted her, and I do want her, and I love her. But this wasn’t about me or what I wanted. It couldn’t be. It had to be about what was best for Roo, and adoption was it.
2. “I could never do that.”
This one is infamous in the adoption world. I think this of all statements is the one that most would consider harmless. But when I hear that, I want to ask, “Why? Why couldn’t you do that? Wouldn’t you want the best for your baby?” So often the tone in which it is said implies that the birth mother has erred or acted impulsively or been careless, or that she did it because she doesn’t love her child. Adoption is not a choice made lightly or impulsively, and it is certainly not made because of a lack of love. Adoption *is* love. As my friend Tamra says, if I’d loved my baby just an ounce less, I would have kept her. I placed her because I love her.
I also liked Tamra’s advice to me on dealing with this comment. She said to tell people, “No, you probably couldn’t,” in a tone that implies that I am a much stronger person than they are.
If you would say to a birth mom, “I could never do that” to try to tell her that you admire her strength and courage, consider phrasing it differently. Just tell her that you admire her strength and courage and that you can’t imagine how hard it must have been for her.
3. “I’m sure you did what was best for you.”
Someone actually said this to me and I wanted to hurt them. Does anyone really, truly believe that I chose adoption for my sake? It wasn’t best for me. What was best for me was keeping and parenting the daughter I loved so very much. Placing her was hell for me, certainly not best for me. If it was about me, I’d still be a single mother. I did what was best for Roo. Period.
4. “Will she call you mom when she’s older?”
Of course not. Why would she? I’m not her mother. M is her mother. She can call me whatever she wants to. “Jill” would work just fine.
5. “Won’t she be confused about who her mom is, having you in her life?”
Well, let’s see. One of us will feed her, dress her, bathe her, read to her, sing songs with her, play with her, teach her, give her hugs and kisses and tend to her boo-boos and take her to primary and listen when she talks and make sure she’s happy and healthy and smart, be married to Roo’s father and live in the same home, in short, be her mother; and one of us will … visit from time to time. Nope, sorry, I don’t see any confusion there.
Roo will know that she grew in my tummy before she was born, and that I made sure she got to her mommy and daddy. I don’t think she will ever, for a second, be confused about exactly who is her mother.
Going along with that question, people will opine that openness must surely mess with a child’s identity and sense of self. Well, how on earth does having more people in Roo’s life who love her, mess with her? You can’t spoil a child with love. Roo has two families who love her. She will know exactly who she is. Studies show that open adoption is mutually beneficial. All members of the adoption triad find peace and joy in openness.
6. “Oh, you took the easy way out.”
This is another statement that makes me want to hurt the speaker. There hasn’t been a single easy thing about adoption. I didn’t place Roo because being her mother was too hard. Being a mother wasn’t something I wanted out of! What was hard was placing her for adoption. I have never felt sorrow and despair so deep as I did when I drove home from LDSFS without Roo in the car. It was the hardest thing I have ever done in my life and the pain nearly undid me. Don’t think for one second that adoption is the easy way out. It’s not easy and it’s not an out.
7. “Well, now that she’s been adopted, you can get back to being young and having fun.”
Oh, honestly. I couldn’t believe it when someone said that to me. Did they really think that I placed Roo because she was interfering with my social life? I would take Roo over fun and youth in a second. But I can’t have Roo. So I go out with friends instead. That doesn’t mean I placed her so I could go out and have fun.
8. “You made the right decision.” (said with an air of judgmental superiority)
Well, thanks. I’m sure glad to know that you thought I made the wrong decision when I single parented for nine weeks. And thanks for judging me and deciding what’s right for me and my baby, too. Because that was totally your call to make.
Adoption was the right decision for Roo, but not right away, and I don’t think that it’s the right decision for everyone. When someone says this to me, I wonder what they say to single mothers, women who chose parenting over adoption. “You made the wrong decision”? How rude and judgmental!
Yes, I made the right decision for Roo. But the rightness of it was for me to determine, and I don’t need anyone else to confirm it for me.
9. “You know, you could have sold her for millions! People will pay a killing for a healthy white baby.”
People will say this jokingly, but it always makes me sick. A child is not a commodity to be bought and sold. I didn’t place her for any kind of physical gain and I never, ever would. No one should. Period.
10. “Will she know that you’re her real mom?”
Sorry, I’m not her “real” mom. M is. And what’s a real mom, anyway? I didn’t place Roo with a family of cardboard cutouts. Calling me Roo’s real mom implies that M is … what, her fake mom? Uh-uh. I am Roo’s birth mother, not her real mother. Same goes for the phrase “natural mother.” What constitutes an unnatural mother? There’s a lot of negative adoption language out there I’d like to change, like …
11. “Oh, what made you decide to give your baby away?”
Excuse me, but I didn’t give her away. I didn’t put up an ad on Craigslist, “I’m giving away my baby, does anyone want her?” I placed her for adoption, but I certainly didn’t and wouldn’t ever give her away. I gave her a family. People who ask this question always want to know when P and M will tell Roo that she’s “not really theirs.” That’s funny. I was under the impression that she was really theirs. Hmm. That’s news to me! Whose is she then?
I’m sure I’ve neglected to mention a few other words and phrases that I loathe hearing, but this is the list for now. One last thing that bothers me is how many people pretend I never had Roo at all. So many people ask how I’ve been, but so few ever think to ask how Roo is doing. I don’t want to ignore those 9 weeks of my life. They are precious and wonderful. I had a baby, and I placed her for adoption. Please don’t pretend none of it happened!
And for the record, I think the best thing to say to a birth mother is, “What a brave woman you are. You must love your baby so much to have done that for her.” And leave it at that, folks, unless she wants to talk.
Monday, November 23, 2009
Button, Button ...
Yesterday I did something that I’ve been putting off for eight months. Yesterday, I wrote back to both of the couples I met in the beginning of the year when I was trying to find Roo’s family.
I hardly knew what to say. I spent probably twenty minutes on each letter, struggling to find just the right words, to say the right things – to explain why I didn’t choose them. That I couldn’t choose them – that God had someone else in mind.
They are all wonderful people and I love and respect them. But I couldn’t deny what I knew. When I first chose adoption, both couples came back into my mind and I resolved, as I had in March, to choose between them. But it soon became obvious to me that I couldn’t choose either of them. I still wonder about them. I’m pretty sure one couple has since been chosen by a birth mother. I couldn’t be happier for them. I don’t know about the other couple, but I feel certain that their birth mother simply hasn’t found them yet.
It’s sort of strange, actually – I feel guilty for meeting them and getting their hopes up. Part of me wishes I hadn’t met them because I think I’ll always feel bad for not choosing them. I hope they can understand that I didn’t choose Roo’s family – God did, and I only found them. She wasn’t meant to be with them. She was meant for P and M.
I’m sure that’s cold comfort to a couple who want a child more than anything else in the world. I’ve found that I still think about both couples a lot, and wonder how they’re doing. I wonder if the second couple has had any contact with birth mothers lately, and I pray that they will. I check both couples’ blogs every so often. I find myself drawn to adoptive family blogs, fascinated. It’s the side of adoption I’m less familiar with, and there are a number of “We’re hoping to adopt!” blogs that I check regularly. It amazes me how many absolutely great couples there are out there who can’t have children.
In honor of them and other “paper pregnant” couples, here are a plethora of buttons for you to click on. Each one links to the blog of an adoptive couple, and they are all cool people. In clicking around to find buttons to post, I was floored at just how many people out there are looking to adopt to grow their families. It’s heartbreaking! Check them out – if not for yourself, then for someone you know. I’m proof that sometimes, when something doesn’t feel right, you just have to keep looking until you find not what you were looking for but what God wants you to find.
(FYI, I chose all of these buttons because the blogs they link to had a handy "Add our button" sidebar with an html box to copy and paste. There were several others where I would have had to save the button to my hard drive and I had to tweak the html in my blog post to make it work. I recommend making it as easy as possible for people to add your button. There is a fantastic tutorial here on how to get that little html box.
Also, if you have a button and you want me to put it on my blog, e-mail me your URL [jilleb163 AT gmail DOT com] and I'll get on it. I'm working on a kind of "Hoping to Adopt" button directory.)
I hardly knew what to say. I spent probably twenty minutes on each letter, struggling to find just the right words, to say the right things – to explain why I didn’t choose them. That I couldn’t choose them – that God had someone else in mind.
They are all wonderful people and I love and respect them. But I couldn’t deny what I knew. When I first chose adoption, both couples came back into my mind and I resolved, as I had in March, to choose between them. But it soon became obvious to me that I couldn’t choose either of them. I still wonder about them. I’m pretty sure one couple has since been chosen by a birth mother. I couldn’t be happier for them. I don’t know about the other couple, but I feel certain that their birth mother simply hasn’t found them yet.
It’s sort of strange, actually – I feel guilty for meeting them and getting their hopes up. Part of me wishes I hadn’t met them because I think I’ll always feel bad for not choosing them. I hope they can understand that I didn’t choose Roo’s family – God did, and I only found them. She wasn’t meant to be with them. She was meant for P and M.
I’m sure that’s cold comfort to a couple who want a child more than anything else in the world. I’ve found that I still think about both couples a lot, and wonder how they’re doing. I wonder if the second couple has had any contact with birth mothers lately, and I pray that they will. I check both couples’ blogs every so often. I find myself drawn to adoptive family blogs, fascinated. It’s the side of adoption I’m less familiar with, and there are a number of “We’re hoping to adopt!” blogs that I check regularly. It amazes me how many absolutely great couples there are out there who can’t have children.
In honor of them and other “paper pregnant” couples, here are a plethora of buttons for you to click on. Each one links to the blog of an adoptive couple, and they are all cool people. In clicking around to find buttons to post, I was floored at just how many people out there are looking to adopt to grow their families. It’s heartbreaking! Check them out – if not for yourself, then for someone you know. I’m proof that sometimes, when something doesn’t feel right, you just have to keep looking until you find not what you were looking for but what God wants you to find.
(FYI, I chose all of these buttons because the blogs they link to had a handy "Add our button" sidebar with an html box to copy and paste. There were several others where I would have had to save the button to my hard drive and I had to tweak the html in my blog post to make it work. I recommend making it as easy as possible for people to add your button. There is a fantastic tutorial here on how to get that little html box.
Also, if you have a button and you want me to put it on my blog, e-mail me your URL [jilleb163 AT gmail DOT com] and I'll get on it. I'm working on a kind of "Hoping to Adopt" button directory.)
Sunday, November 22, 2009
Random Thoughts of the Day
I missed Roo like crazy yesterday. I'm not sure why. I just saw her a week ago and I've gotten a picture and a video in the past week. But still, I missed her. A lot.
I think part of it is that I just miss being a mom. I miss being Roo's mom, but I also miss being a mom in general. It was nice to have a purpose, to know that every day I was doing something important and worthwhile. I guess I haven't really felt that since placement.
I've been applying for jobs left and right but no one seems interested in hiring me. I thought that maybe not getting hired was God's way of telling me to go in another direction. So I looked into going back to school for a degree in social work. I figured that since I've already got an AGS it wouldn't be too much work to meet the prerequisites for a specific course of study. I was wrong. Only about eight of the thirty or so classes I've taken will actually cover social work prerequisites. I'm looking at another two to three years of lower-level classes before ASU will even think about admitting me for their social work program.
I'm at a loss. As I was waiting in the MCC advisement office, the thought came to me that I'm too old for this. I'm too old for 100-level classes, for gen ed requirements, for all of it. The students I saw in the office all looked like they were fresh out of high school. I had thought that being on campus again would light a fire under me and get me excited about school again. That didn't happen. Just the thought of getting a class schedule book and registering for classes made me tired. I've done all that, for years and years, and I'm sick of it. I've had enough.
But if I don't have a job and I'm not going to school, what am I doing? If I'm honest I'd rather not do either. I always thought I'd have children at this point in my life. I always wanted to be a mom, not a student or a bookseller or a hairstylist. I think part of me missing Roo is missing what could have been, what I wanted so much to have and to do.
But it would have been wrong of me to keep Roo simply because I wanted to stay at home and be a mom. It would have been unfair to her to say, "Sorry, I know you'd probably like a father, and to be sealed to your parents in the temple, but I'm 26 and I think it's time I was a mother already." In the end I couldn't do that to her. And so she has two parents who love each other, and who love her. She will soon be sealed to them for eternity. I'm overjoyed! It's what I want for her more than anything else.
I guess I'm just not sure where that leaves me, or what it is that I'm supposed to do. I'd still like to be a mother more than anything else, but it's going to be on the Lord's timetable, not my own. At 26 I've never been asked out on a date. I realize that sounds odd since I had a baby four months ago, but H never actually asked me out. We just ... hung out, I suppose. And my feeling is that if I can't even get a date at this point in my life, how on earth am I ever going to get married?
But then, I think, if I'd kept Roo, I'd be in the same place. And I'd have less hope, and more worry and caution. I wasn't looking forward to trying to date as a single mother. I was worried that I'd bring the wrong sort of man into Roo's life, and that she would suffer for it. And then I worried that I'd never marry, and Roo would never have a father, and again she'd suffer. I'm so grateful that my sweet little girl doesn't have to go through this mess with me. Her parents have their lives figured out. Her mom's only job is to be a mom. That is such a blessing for Roo. I love knowing that she's not being shuttled from daycare to a sitter. I love knowing that she spends every day with her mommy, the person who knows and loves her best.
I've still got so many things to work through and figure out. I am so thankful that, no matter what else goes on, I never have to worry about Roo. She is safe, happy, healthy, loved. As long as I know that, I can relax. As long as she's okay, I know I will be too.
I think part of it is that I just miss being a mom. I miss being Roo's mom, but I also miss being a mom in general. It was nice to have a purpose, to know that every day I was doing something important and worthwhile. I guess I haven't really felt that since placement.
I've been applying for jobs left and right but no one seems interested in hiring me. I thought that maybe not getting hired was God's way of telling me to go in another direction. So I looked into going back to school for a degree in social work. I figured that since I've already got an AGS it wouldn't be too much work to meet the prerequisites for a specific course of study. I was wrong. Only about eight of the thirty or so classes I've taken will actually cover social work prerequisites. I'm looking at another two to three years of lower-level classes before ASU will even think about admitting me for their social work program.
I'm at a loss. As I was waiting in the MCC advisement office, the thought came to me that I'm too old for this. I'm too old for 100-level classes, for gen ed requirements, for all of it. The students I saw in the office all looked like they were fresh out of high school. I had thought that being on campus again would light a fire under me and get me excited about school again. That didn't happen. Just the thought of getting a class schedule book and registering for classes made me tired. I've done all that, for years and years, and I'm sick of it. I've had enough.
But if I don't have a job and I'm not going to school, what am I doing? If I'm honest I'd rather not do either. I always thought I'd have children at this point in my life. I always wanted to be a mom, not a student or a bookseller or a hairstylist. I think part of me missing Roo is missing what could have been, what I wanted so much to have and to do.
But it would have been wrong of me to keep Roo simply because I wanted to stay at home and be a mom. It would have been unfair to her to say, "Sorry, I know you'd probably like a father, and to be sealed to your parents in the temple, but I'm 26 and I think it's time I was a mother already." In the end I couldn't do that to her. And so she has two parents who love each other, and who love her. She will soon be sealed to them for eternity. I'm overjoyed! It's what I want for her more than anything else.
I guess I'm just not sure where that leaves me, or what it is that I'm supposed to do. I'd still like to be a mother more than anything else, but it's going to be on the Lord's timetable, not my own. At 26 I've never been asked out on a date. I realize that sounds odd since I had a baby four months ago, but H never actually asked me out. We just ... hung out, I suppose. And my feeling is that if I can't even get a date at this point in my life, how on earth am I ever going to get married?
But then, I think, if I'd kept Roo, I'd be in the same place. And I'd have less hope, and more worry and caution. I wasn't looking forward to trying to date as a single mother. I was worried that I'd bring the wrong sort of man into Roo's life, and that she would suffer for it. And then I worried that I'd never marry, and Roo would never have a father, and again she'd suffer. I'm so grateful that my sweet little girl doesn't have to go through this mess with me. Her parents have their lives figured out. Her mom's only job is to be a mom. That is such a blessing for Roo. I love knowing that she's not being shuttled from daycare to a sitter. I love knowing that she spends every day with her mommy, the person who knows and loves her best.
I've still got so many things to work through and figure out. I am so thankful that, no matter what else goes on, I never have to worry about Roo. She is safe, happy, healthy, loved. As long as I know that, I can relax. As long as she's okay, I know I will be too.
Saturday, November 21, 2009
Happy National Adoption Day!
Today is National Adoption Day. I think it's pretty cool that there is such a thing, since there's already a whole month for adoption. In Arizona alone there will be more than 200 adoptions finalized today. How awesome is that?
Roo has a little bit longer to go before her adoption is finalized. I can't wait. Once it's finalized, she can be sealed to her mommy and daddy in the temple, and blessed in church. I'm looking forward to it. My mom will be there for the former (and I'll be right outside) and we'll both be there for the latter.
It's strange, really. I never thought I'd have such peace about this. When I was considering adoption, I thought that it would just kill me to have her legally and spiritually belong to other people. But I don't feel that at all. I am excited for her, and I am excited for P and M. It's the same as it was after I met them. I'm so happy that this is happening for them that I almost don't care that it was my baby they've got. She is their baby now, as she was always meant to be. I'm excited for them, and I'm excited for her. Roo will have an eternal family! What joy! That's what I want more for her than anything else right now. I know that P and M probably can't wait, either.
I can only imagine the smiles and tears at the courthouse today as hundreds of children become, at last, part of a family. It's got to be an awesome thing for a judge, too. It seems that too often, in juvenile court, a judge is having to pull families apart. It's got to be a good feeling to be putting them together for a change.
I'm sure that there are parties and celebrations in the Valley for the occasion. I don't know of any and I'm not sure I'd go if I did. I'm content to watch one of the videos P and M sent me, to see the delighted, gummy grin of my Roo as she catches a glimpse of her mommy and daddy. Placing that baby girl with her parents was the best thing I've done in my life, and I am eternally grateful for the blessing it is to have both her and her parents in my life.
Roo has a little bit longer to go before her adoption is finalized. I can't wait. Once it's finalized, she can be sealed to her mommy and daddy in the temple, and blessed in church. I'm looking forward to it. My mom will be there for the former (and I'll be right outside) and we'll both be there for the latter.
It's strange, really. I never thought I'd have such peace about this. When I was considering adoption, I thought that it would just kill me to have her legally and spiritually belong to other people. But I don't feel that at all. I am excited for her, and I am excited for P and M. It's the same as it was after I met them. I'm so happy that this is happening for them that I almost don't care that it was my baby they've got. She is their baby now, as she was always meant to be. I'm excited for them, and I'm excited for her. Roo will have an eternal family! What joy! That's what I want more for her than anything else right now. I know that P and M probably can't wait, either.
I can only imagine the smiles and tears at the courthouse today as hundreds of children become, at last, part of a family. It's got to be an awesome thing for a judge, too. It seems that too often, in juvenile court, a judge is having to pull families apart. It's got to be a good feeling to be putting them together for a change.
I'm sure that there are parties and celebrations in the Valley for the occasion. I don't know of any and I'm not sure I'd go if I did. I'm content to watch one of the videos P and M sent me, to see the delighted, gummy grin of my Roo as she catches a glimpse of her mommy and daddy. Placing that baby girl with her parents was the best thing I've done in my life, and I am eternally grateful for the blessing it is to have both her and her parents in my life.
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