Sunday, November 22, 2009

Random Thoughts of the Day

I missed Roo like crazy yesterday. I'm not sure why. I just saw her a week ago and I've gotten a picture and a video in the past week. But still, I missed her. A lot.

I think part of it is that I just miss being a mom. I miss being Roo's mom, but I also miss being a mom in general. It was nice to have a purpose, to know that every day I was doing something important and worthwhile. I guess I haven't really felt that since placement.

I've been applying for jobs left and right but no one seems interested in hiring me. I thought that maybe not getting hired was God's way of telling me to go in another direction. So I looked into going back to school for a degree in social work. I figured that since I've already got an AGS it wouldn't be too much work to meet the prerequisites for a specific course of study. I was wrong. Only about eight of the thirty or so classes I've taken will actually cover social work prerequisites. I'm looking at another two to three years of lower-level classes before ASU will even think about admitting me for their social work program.

I'm at a loss. As I was waiting in the MCC advisement office, the thought came to me that I'm too old for this. I'm too old for 100-level classes, for gen ed requirements, for all of it. The students I saw in the office all looked like they were fresh out of high school. I had thought that being on campus again would light a fire under me and get me excited about school again. That didn't happen. Just the thought of getting a class schedule book and registering for classes made me tired. I've done all that, for years and years, and I'm sick of it. I've had enough.

But if I don't have a job and I'm not going to school, what am I doing? If I'm honest I'd rather not do either. I always thought I'd have children at this point in my life. I always wanted to be a mom, not a student or a bookseller or a hairstylist. I think part of me missing Roo is missing what could have been, what I wanted so much to have and to do.

But it would have been wrong of me to keep Roo simply because I wanted to stay at home and be a mom. It would have been unfair to her to say, "Sorry, I know you'd probably like a father, and to be sealed to your parents in the temple, but I'm 26 and I think it's time I was a mother already." In the end I couldn't do that to her. And so she has two parents who love each other, and who love her. She will soon be sealed to them for eternity. I'm overjoyed! It's what I want for her more than anything else.

I guess I'm just not sure where that leaves me, or what it is that I'm supposed to do. I'd still like to be a mother more than anything else, but it's going to be on the Lord's timetable, not my own. At 26 I've never been asked out on a date. I realize that sounds odd since I had a baby four months ago, but H never actually asked me out. We just ... hung out, I suppose. And my feeling is that if I can't even get a date at this point in my life, how on earth am I ever going to get married?

But then, I think, if I'd kept Roo, I'd be in the same place. And I'd have less hope, and more worry and caution. I wasn't looking forward to trying to date as a single mother. I was worried that I'd bring the wrong sort of man into Roo's life, and that she would suffer for it. And then I worried that I'd never marry, and Roo would never have a father, and again she'd suffer. I'm so grateful that my sweet little girl doesn't have to go through this mess with me. Her parents have their lives figured out. Her mom's only job is to be a mom. That is such a blessing for Roo. I love knowing that she's not being shuttled from daycare to a sitter. I love knowing that she spends every day with her mommy, the person who knows and loves her best.

I've still got so many things to work through and figure out. I am so thankful that, no matter what else goes on, I never have to worry about Roo. She is safe, happy, healthy, loved. As long as I know that, I can relax. As long as she's okay, I know I will be too.


Lara Zierke said...

Life can be a lot to swallow, can't it? I started school, got married, got a job, and kept thinking about going back to school. It took me a couple years to work up the courage to go back. I finally did and finally finished. It was an extremely hard, brave thing for me to do. You'll find your purpose. Life just often takes us in a different direction than we think. :)

Audra Owens said...

Try Rio Salado Community College, you can just about any class online. I did several and it was great! Of course getting into the social world of actually being in class would be good for you too, you never know who you might meet! Despite what the unspoken Mormon culture is telling you, Jill, you are NOT old at 26 and there are still plenty of quality guys your age out there. Maybe you could take a few intsitute classes too. Just get out of your comfort zone and see what you find.

Nat said...

You don't know me but I found your blog through the R house. I LOVE your blog and reading through the changes you are going through each day.

I do have a question which I thought of while reading this post. (Just a reminder, this is a pure QUESTION, I am not TELLING you anything, I don't want to be one of those people. :) I am just simply curious to know what you think) Do you think that if you had dated before now, you wouldn't have Roo? I mean, eventually you're going to have a date that leads to marriage. Do you ever wonder if the reason you haven't dated before is because God needed to give you Roo, and maybe dating other people would have meant you would never hang out with H, which means you wouldn't have Roo. I'm just curious to know your thoughts on this.