Visit

Today I had the most amazing visit with Roo and her family! Roo is getting so big - and although I didn't think it was possible, she keeps getting cuter as well.

I'll admit to being nervous about the visit today. I'm not sure exactly why. Maybe it's because it's been a while since my last visit and I wasn't sure how Roo would take to me. I think part of it is that I just wanted things to be perfect.

And you know what? They were, I don't think things could have gone any better. It was such a good visit! It was relaxing and comfortable and I loved seeing Roo just being Roo, crawling and playing and jabbering and demanding attention from her parents and her sister when she thought she wasn't getting enough (even though she always was!).

I am so blessed to have an open adoption! It does me so much more good than I could ever hope to describe. I am a spoiled girl, really I am. I think of my mom's birth mother, who placed her baby and had to walk away and live with uncertainty and unanswered questions. I don't think I could have done that. I am so thankful for her courage and her strength. And I'm thankful for Roo's parents. Because of them, I don't have to wonder the way my birth grandmother did. Because of them, I have never for a second questioned my decision to place Roo in their family, or to place her at all. God meant Roo for them all along. I'm glad she's theirs.

It's Roo Day!

Today is Roo's first birthday! Woo-hoo! Last July 7th at this hour and minute Dr K cut me open and pulled the cutest tiny girl ever out of my belly. Where did the year go? How did my teensy-weensy little newborn get so big? And so cute! I think P and M are feeding Roo liquid cute. She gets more adorable by the minute.

Happy birthday, darling girl! The world has been a better place for exactly a year now. Here's to 101 more (at the very least)!

Here's the Story

Once upon a time, I thought I'd get myself "caught up" in telling my pregnancy story, and I thought I'd get to the point where I was exactly a year out, and I could reflect on labor and delivery and all that a year to the day afterward.

Obviously, I'm not there. I don't think I've gotten to the end of May yet, have I? I'm slacking. And stalling. I don't know if I'm ready to go there yet. I thought that distance, that time - a year, for crying out loud - would make a difference. I thought that like with everything else, the pain would lessen after a while, and I could write about things without getting so emotional.

Why do I always have to be wrong about these things? I started reading through my journal for the month of June, year 2009, and I couldn't do it. It hurt too much. The pain felt so fresh. Maybe it's because of the time of the year. It feels too much like it's what's happening now. I can close my eyes and pretend I'm there. It hasn't been long enough yet.

I don't think I'm ready yet. I meant to be. I thought I'd be. When I wrote that bit on my due date, I realized how far behind on my story I am, and it was frustrating.

I started this blog for Roo but it's too public now for me to be as open about things as I want, so a few months ago I started a private blog, just for Roo, and I spill everything I can think of there, because she deserves to know everything, not just what I feel comfortable sharing with the world. Last night I wrote a few things down for her, because it was on July 5th that labor was induced, and I wanted to record my memories of that for her.

I could barely type through the tears. I'm getting throat fizzies just thinking about it. So many things have gotten easier with time, but I guess this isn't one of them. It comes down to this: I'm just not ready yet. Someone asked me on my Formspring a few months ago when I was going to finish my pregnancy story, and the answer I gave at the time was true at the time. But I'm not sure now. I think the answer is, when I'm ready.

And I'm not there yet.

Something I Didn't Expect

The last time I had a Roo visit, I knew it would be my last for a while. And I was okay with it, for the most part, or as okay as I was going to get. I knew I'd miss Roo, and that it would be hard not to have visits as often, and that I would look forward every day to the next time I got to see her.

I expected all that, and for the most part that's what has happened. But lately I've realized something else, something I didn't expect at all: I miss P and M. Not seeing Roo means I haven't seen them, either. I saw them both at the adoption academy in April, and it was so nice! I hadn't realized how much I missed them until I saw them there. And a few weeks ago I realized I miss them again. Yes, I'll be happy to see the world's cutest baby and take a million pictures of her and kiss her chubby little cheeks and marvel at how she's grown. But I'm also looking forward to seeing her parents and talking to them, and watching them be Roo's parents.

When I met them, as I've mentioned before, I liked them almost instantly. They were the first couple I'd met where I really, truly thought, Oh! Infertility is so unfair! I knew they were Roo's parents, but more than that I wanted them to be Roo's parents. I wanted to see them have two little kids instead of just one, and I wanted to see them have a happy little family.

At the first visit I had after placement, I knew Roo was where she belonged. I could just feel it. I knew I'd made her the happiest girl in the world (even if she wasn't quite old enough to appreciate her unofficial title). It did me so much good to see that. And it still does ... and I love seeing how well P and M are suited to their job as the parents of two darling little sisters. Their children mean the world to them, and that means the world to me.

I miss them! I can't wait to see them soon.

Just for Fun

Don't remember if I posted this one before (don't care too much either) and I'm feeling nostalgic.

Here I was a year ago, July 4th, ready to pop.



I miss that belly.

I'd Like to Thank the Academy ...

So. Y'all remember Captain Cluck? Click on his name if you don't. Long story short, I'd grown weary of seeing blog awards and not having one of my own, so I MADE one of my own, featuring a chicken, because I think chickens are adorable.

I offered up Captain Cluck to anyone who had ever wanted a blog award because, like Mr Sunshine in the Jimmy Dean Breakfast commercials, I think you're all awesome. One of the awesome peeps who adopted (no pun intended) Captain Cluck was Mary. Mary is awesome.

(I know I use that word too much. I've been told. I don't care.)

Because Mary is so awesome (hi, Mary!) she took pity on little old chickens-and-Paint Shop Pro me, and gave me a real, legitimate blog award! Here it is. Isn't it pretty? I've always loved daisies.



This is probably the first and only time that "sunshine" has been used as any sort of descriptor for me. I'm more ... partly sunny, I guess, or I would be if I were weather, which I'm not. But I'll take it just the same. Captain Cluck was getting lonely on my sidebar, and I bet he likes daisies too.

Actually, I did accidentally spread a little sunshine in Galway, and during the rain at that. This guy was standing by the bench with the Wilde Brothers statues, playing the most beautiful song on his violin. I dropped two coins into his violin case. I thought they were one-Euro coins, but they were two-Euro coins. I discovered when I went to pay for my hamburger later that I'd dropped in four Euro instead of just two. Oh well. Sure made that guy's day!

I'm supposed to nominate 12 other people for this particular blog award, which seems like a bit much. I'm not at my best and brightest before noon, and I can't even think of 12 different people I know at the moment, much less 12 award-worthy blogs. I don't want to be insincere or hasty so I'm going to be a lazy weasel and do that later. In the meantime, Captain Chicken and the Sunshine Flower (that sounds like a band from the late 60s) will keep each other company in my sidebar.

Thanks again, Mary! You're awesome.