Saturday, April 23, 2011

Peace

I got to see Roo and her family today!

It was such a good visit. I mean, they're all good visits, but each one is just so awesome. P and M and their two little girls are some of my favorite people in the entire world. How can I not have a great time with them?

Roo showed off all sorts of fascinating and wonderful skills, such as pointing to me when asked where I was, climbing on things she wasn't supposed to climb on, answering questions with the phrase "I don't know" (darling!), tilting her cheek in my direction so I could give her a kiss, and singing "Jingle Bells." I may be slightly biased, but I think Roo is the most advanced toddler in the world. I expect she'll be splitting the atom by the time she's in kindergarten (although if she's only gotten to learning to read by then, I'll still be pleased).

It was so much fun to just watch her. She's a busy girl, and very happy. P and M tried to get her to do her "serious" face for me, but she would only smile. Roo has the best smiles - her whole face lights up. I had a wonderful time talking to P and M and watching Roo and her sister talk and laugh and play and be their awesome little selves. It was such a good visit! I know I've said that already, but it's true. I had such a wonderful time.

On the way home, I cried. I was a little bit sad the visit was over, of course, but that's not why I cried. I cried because I was just so darn happy! I was so happy I thought my heart would burst. Roo is the happiest little girl. She is smart and happy and healthy and clever and absolutely everything she ought to be. She has the best family in the world, with a sweet and silly big sister and parents who love her to bits. They are happy - Roo is happy - and their happiness is contagious, and it was too much, and I cried hot, happy tears the whole way home.

In the time immediately after placement, I was desperate for peace, for the contented joy that comes from making a good choice. It seemed to elude me, and that elusiveness compounded my grief. I began to doubt that I would ever truly have the peace I wanted about placement. I found it today. I think it's been building all along, but this afternoon I realized it's complete - I don't know how or why, but today's visit pushed the last piece into place. I've felt the happiest sad. Today was the happiest happy. Everything just felt so right. And this feeling, this deep and profound peace ...

It was totally worth the wait.

10 comments:

A Life Being Lived said...

Ahh!! I cried tears of joy after reading this. It is an honor to witness and hear about your journey. I LOVE that she sang Jingle Bells by the way :)

Amy said...

I love this post. I'm so happy for you and Roo and her parents. What a beautiful journey you have all joined on together.

BrImHaLl FaMiLy said...

Great post! Thanks so much for sharing! You are such an inspiration to me and I have loved following your journey :)

LisaAnne said...

I am so very happy for you. And I love that your heart is at peace. What a great feeling that must be. :)

Black Betty said...

Oh how I love open adoption!

Que and Brittany's Adoption Journal said...

Oh I'm so happy for you, Jill! How wonderful that you would find peace this Easter weekend.

Bec said...

I don't cry much but this sweet post brought tears to my eyes: 1. that you have the peace you deserve; 2. that Roo is thriving and so well-cared for; 3. that your sacrifice is bringing so much joy to a family. The Lord has great things in store for you. I know it with all my heart.
You are wonderful and I love you.

BobandColista said...

What a sweet post. Thanks for sharing your feelings with all of us.

Sally Bacchetta said...

What a wonderful place to be in yourself. I'm very happy for you!

LilRedMommy said...

It's amazing how lives can coincide so well, I recently had a visit with my boy who was placed 8 years ago. He met his half sister (my daughter) for the first time and we all had a great time talking and playing and eating together. It was an amazing moment to see the 2 kids together and I am still amazed that every time I see them all again it makes me so happy. When we were waiting for a table at a restaraunt I had to go outside for a minute to cry, luckily my boyfriend covered for me. I still believe there is no time (aside from the birth of my daughter) that I am happier than the times that I spend with my little man and his family. Thanks for putting into words some of the things I feel so frequently!