Sunday, May 8, 2011

(Birth) Mother's Day

Warning: I'm happy. If you're not happy, this will probably make you throw up a little. Everyone is entitled to their unhappiness. Very often it's justified. I'm not going to judge. But I am happy, and I would hate to be responsible for someone being sick. So, read on with caution.

I had most of a post written up yesterday about Birth Mother's Day. I didn't like most of it. It felt like a repeat of what I wrote last year. I think Birth Mother's Day is a lovely idea, but I don't really need it. I'm comfortable sitting through the odes to motherhood recited at church with a secret smile. I don't particularly celebrate Mother's Day, though, either. Not for myself. I try to do something nice for my own mother, to let her know how amazingly blessed I am to be her daughter.

Y'all, my mom is awesome. Even if you discount the fact that I was her fourth child in six years, and made her violently ill during pregnancy, and weighed much closer to nine pounds at birth than I'm sure she was really comfortable with, she's still an amazing woman. I think that even years from now, if I have several children of my own, it won't feel right to celebrate Mother's Day for myself. It's her holiday, not mine. Only if I were to be as awesome as she is could I feel comfortable calling the day my own. And I've got a long way to go to be as awesome as my mom.

She gave me flowers today - daisies, my favorite. Red gerbera daisies, specifically, which are my favorite favorite (and she always remembers that), and after our family dinner tonight, after hours of talking and laughing and enjoying one another's company, when I gave her a big hug and wished her a happy Mother's Day, she whispered "You, too," because she gets it. My mom gets it.

She was there for those weeks when I was a mother, and I think she cherishes them nearly as much as I do. I believe this about her: No matter how many other children I end up having, when she wishes me a happy Mother's Day, she'll remember Roo. I don't know if that's true of anyone else, but it's true of her.

I love you, Mom.


Even though I don't make a big deal of Birth Mother's Day, yesterday P and M sent me five - FIVE! - videos of Roo being darling - singing and talking to her mama and generally being fantastically cute. How awesome is that? P and M are so thoughtful. Five videos is an embarrassment of riches. I am a spoiled girl. So, even though I had to work, and our computers were down and patrons were a little crabby about it, and I had a headache, I ended up having a very happy Birth Mother's Day after all.

And I had a happy Mother's Day as well. Maybe it's because I've found my happy place with adoption, but it was absolutely painless. Whereas last year I think I mostly thought of Mother's Day in terms of my lack (or my lack from the year before when I was pregnant), this year I thought of my own mother, and then I thought of Roo. I'm not her mommy, but I did grow her a body and find her family, and that counts enough for me. I've felt a mother's love. For the first time, today, while I was in church, listening to a talk about motherhood and charity and love, I realized that I will find a way to be happy if I never have more children. Because I had Roo, and I love her, and if it needs to be, it can be enough.

That sounds a bit maudlin. I don't mean for it to. Yesterday and today were both happy, hopeful days. I've been quite ridiculously happy all week, actually. New Roo videos made me even happier. I am so well-adjusted, it's disgusting. I have unofficially graduated from therapy. John has marked me as "as needed" in my file. We've run out of things to discuss. It feels amazing. Most of my session with him the other day consisted of eating Red Vines and talking about how amazing I am (and I am not even kidding). Although considering I still paid for the hour, John probably has the last laugh there.

Being happy makes for a boring blog, doesn't it? I've meant to post again all week but I couldn't think of much to say besides "I'm happy, life's good," and that makes for a short post. I am working on finishing up Roo's story. I have probably forty-something unfinished posts on a variety of other topics. I'll get to them eventually. I do have some sort-of exciting news to share in a few days (I'm excited about it, anyway). I am far from done blogging about adoption. I think, even if I do get to the point where I don't have anything left to say but how happy I am, I'll keep posting just that a few times a month, because I think people need to read it.

In short: I totally double-dipped on the mothering holidays, I'll probably be blogging forever, and I am happy. Very happy. The end :)


Karin Katherine said...

This warmed my heart. I love it and pray that our daughter's birth mom eventually gets to this place too.

dust and kam said...

Happy is good! :) I love happy!

Have a great week Jill!

AubreyMo said...

Your mom sounds amazing! You did need that hour of discussing how awesome you are because I don't think you realize it enough!! I'm glad to hear you had a lovely day. Five videos is just too much cuteness to bear, I hope you watched them in small doses. ;)

jgirl said...

How rock on awesome are you?! Hooray for Jill! ;0D

Lara Zierke said...

A big fat HOORAY to everything you said!

MrsPerrbear said...

I am glad your days went so well! I have to tell you though...your disclaimer just made my day. Great job!!!

GSmith said...

Makes my heart smile! I do miss the rawness of your blogging, but man I love to see that you are happy and have adjusted well! I hope that we will be blessed with a birth mother as wonderful as you are!

Heather said...

You deserve every bit of happiness; don't feel guilty. Treasure it! And when the bad days come (sigh), reread this post and remember the taste of joy, and the hope it brings during trial.

Shian said...

I don't think writing about being happy is boring :) I think it's actually quite refreshing.

Anonymous said...

Roo's Mommy is M, but you are a mother too. You were a parent, for the nine weeks that you raised Roo, but you will always be a mother. You've felt a mother's love, you brought a baby girl into the world, and did what was best for your daughter. So, in my eyes, you are a mother. Just in a different way. I wish you the best! God bless.

Anonymous said...

Roo's Mommy is M, but you gave birth to a baby girl, felt a mother's love, and help her find her family. So in my eyes, you are a mother. Just in a different way. You are more than just a birth mother, you are a mother, and you did what was best for Roo. God bless.