Tuesday, June 14, 2011

Unrealistic Expectations, Take Two

I was asked once if I felt like my blog gave couples unrealistic ideas about what to expect from an adoption. You can read about that here. Here's the flip side of that question.

Are you worried that a birth mom might read your blog and get the wrong idea about adoption? It's not a happy-sad, it's a sad-sad, and I think you are making a mistake by not telling that part of it.

Um, have you read my blog?

If you think my view of adoption is a bit too rosy, I suggest you go back in my archives to September of 2009. I was NOT happy. I was a wreck. It was not sunshine and ponies. It was hell. It's certainly not anymore, but I was very unhappy for quite a while.

I can see where you might think that I mislead people about adoption if I were to set myself up as the official birthmother spokesperson. If I claimed that I spoke for others, then yes, I would absolutely be guilty as charged.

But I've never claimed to speak for anyone other than myself. My blog is about my experience with adoption. Yours may differ, and that's fine. Yours will differ, in fact. Each adoption is unique. No other birth mother is going to have the exact experience I had. Adoption can be a wonderful thing, but much like a weight loss program, results may vary.

I credit my readers with being smart enough to know that this blog is just one person's story - mine. I've never once had anyone tell me that my story misled them or gave them incorrect ideas about adoption or what placement is like. If anyone has felt that way, they've kept it to themselves. But I think I've made it abundantly clear that adoption is hard. I certainly don't think anyone is going to read my blog and think that placement is one big party.

If you have a burning question for me, e-mail me at thehappiestsad AT gmail DOT com or use the Formspring widget in my sidebar.


Savannah said...

It was the hellish posts in 2009 that really opened my eyes for birth parents and how raw and real their grief is. Even now, with our adoption plans on hold, I still love your blog. You have a great way to tell it how it is. :)

Black Betty said...

Beautifully said. As an adoptive Granny I have never felt that your blog reflects joy, joy. It has been beautifully honest.
Thank You.

LisaAnne said...

So very true. These are OUR blogs about OUR experiences as a birthmother.

I do not speak for every birthmother. Nor do you.

Just because my relationship with my adoptive parents isn't what I wish it was, doesn't mean that it is bad, or wrong, or even undesirable by other birthmothers.

I know many birthmothers who would be tickled pink to have the kind of relationship with their adoptive family that I do.

But this is OUR reality. I love that you are happy most of the time. That is a great place to be. But you are also real. Which I appreciate so very much too. You are not all rainbows and butterflies.

Birthmothers are as different as adoptive families. Adoptees are just as different too.

I know adoptees who have zero desire to know their birth families (I was married to one, and it made ME crazy - even before I was a birthmother myself). I also know adoptees who are tormented by the fact that they may never know their family of origin.

I just saw a post from a birthmom last week that said she feels guilty because she has little desire to have any involvement in her child's life, even though the adoptive family is good about trying to include her.

We are all different.

I do understand why that birthmom might have said that to you. There are many, many days that I cannot see any happy in my sad.

Adoption has completely changed me.

I wish I had never become a member of the birthmother club.

But I am, and this is my reality.

And it is your reality too.

My hope would be that mother's wrestling with the idea of adoption for their child would read all of our blogs and decide for themselves if they could handle the complexity that adoption brings.

There is so much consideration. No answer is the single 'right' answer.

We just have to do the best we can with what we know, then live with that decision.