Friday, July 8, 2011

Visit

It seems like it used to be that when I had a visit with Roo and her family, I'd re-hash it in detail on my blog. I suppose some part of me felt I needed to do that - to record it, perhaps, or to show how nice it was to have an open adoption.

I used to be a lot more open about my open adoption, I think. But Roo's getting bigger, and I find that the more time passes, the less comfortable I am sharing too many details about Roo or her family. I'll still blab about my own thoughts or problems, but I feel very protective of P and M and their family, and I don't ever want them to feel like every word that passes between us or everything that happens is going to end up on my blog. So I share a little less of the physical details and a little more of the emotion on my end. I think it's a happy medium.

So.

I had a birthday visit with Roo and her family. It was great! Roo seems much taller than I remember from a few months ago, and a bit more grown up. I had a marvelous time just watching Roo be Roo, and after a little while she warmed up to me, having decided maybe I was trustworthy after all - I do have all those books in my apartment. Roo loved my books. She was very careful about taking them off the shelf one at a time and putting them back where they belonged.

We sang songs and did puzzles and had cupcakes and opened presents and even got a little cuddle in at the end. It was a wonderful visit. My apartment has memories now. It's a strange thing for me. In a way, Roo being here made this place feel like home more than anything else I could have bought or done. Memories live here - patches of floor are no longer simply things I step on. Now I can think, Roo sat here. She sang a song over here. She danced over there. I can think, this is how high she could reach on my bookcase. There were once cupcake crumbs here, a delicate sprinkling of them like glitter from a fairy wand. There is a line of blue crayon on my coffee table that I may never wash off, because Roo put it there.

I am so thankful for visits, for openness. I am thankful for those crumbs, that crayon mark, these memories. I am thankful to P and M for sharing their little girl with me. I am thankful that I can see for myself what Roo is like and how happy she is. I can tell her myself that I love her. Today, I got to do just that, and I feel like the luckiest woman in the world.

5 comments:

Lara said...

I am smiling with tears in my eyes. Definitely the happiest sad.

Amy said...

Beautiful ... and I feel the same about my personal story of loss

Black Betty said...

Brought a tear to my eye.

Chris and Kristy said...

Open adoptions are true miracles. It takes accepting, loving, open hearts on each end to make it work. Thanks for sharing your thoughts here with us. Tonight as I looked at my two amazing miracles brought to us through adoption, my heart was really oozing out so much joy. We couldn't imagine this journey without our fabulous birthmothers and chosen family. I understand what you mean about guarding the details a bit more. I've found myself doing that too as more time passes. Some things are just for us and that's ok! I appreciate your sharing and insight. It opens my eyes.

Dana, Chris and Addison said...

A very beautiful post and a true visual of the overflowing love shared in open adoption.