Sunday, August 21, 2011

Welcome to the World, Baby Girl

I was going to write this whole long post about my stay in the hospital, but I couldn't decide between including all the little details and giving a general overview. I'm still not sure. It's a very personal thing, labor. I think I'm going to go with an overview. I feel like I sometimes share a bit too much of myself on this blog, and while I don't think that's necessarily a bad thing, it is nice to keep some things to myself. I've already written it all out for Roo on the blog I keep just for her.

So this isn't going to be too detailed, but I've written it out the best I can. I was surprised to find in writing it that I feel bad that P and M missed it, that they weren't there. I wonder what things would have been like if I'd found them sooner, if they had been there for Roo's arrival. I feel a little guilty. I wouldn't trade my time as Roo's mother for anything in the world, but I do feel guilty for what P and M missed. Obviously, their version of this story contains a lot more detail :)

I was induced not long before 9pm on Sunday, July 5th. Twelve hours after that, my water broke. I got an epidural on Monday night, and … I was still pregnant on Tuesday morning. I figured the baby would come when she was ready. I wasn't worried.

My doctor was. “You're still pregnant,” she said, looking stunned.

Figured that out all by yourself, did you? I thought. But I just smiled and answered in the affirmative.

"You shouldn't still be pregnant." Her eyebrows narrowed as she perused my chart. "We're going to need to do a c-section," she concluded.

I worried then. I'd imagined childbirth going any number of ways, but none of my scenarios included being carved open like a Thanksgiving turkey. But my baby needed to come out, and my body didn't want to cooperate. The appropriate arrangements were made, and I was wheeled into an OR.

They pulled a partition up so I couldn't see below my own sternum. I didn't need to see. Thanks to my childbirth classes, I knew exactly what a c-section entailed. I was just grateful my doctor has very small hands. I didn't need someone with David Letterman-sized paws digging into my uterus.

I couldn't feel anything. It was nice. The doctor told me I'd feel a bit of pressure. Not much else was spoken that I could hear. Finally, she told me it was time, and a few seconds later Roo was born. They showed her to me, and in that moment, I was forever changed. I took one look at her, all tiny and pink and bemused, and I fell deeply and irrevocably in love.

I had thought more than once during pregnancy that if adoption were the right choice, I'd know it when I “met” my baby. I suppose I thought I'd just look at her and know. How stupid I was! No one could possibly look at their newborn baby and think, right then, who wants her? Because I wanted her, and I never wanted to let her go. I loved her so much already. Adoption was off the table in that instant, and I resolved never to think of it again. This amazing, fantastic, most perfect little person in the world was my baby. My mind was made up.

A nurse came to check on me in recovery and when she saw that I'd shaken off the drugs I'd been given she lifted Roo, wrapped up like a little burrito, and put her in my arms. I looked at my baby, and she looked at me, and nothing else in the world mattered.


The Blessed Barrenness said...

I can totally understand that you would feel that you could never give her up. The love in that instant they are born is so intense! I was fortunate enough to be with our BBM (beautiful birth mom) when she gave birth to our daughter and I have often wondered where she found the courage. I remember when we were all discharged and left the hospital. Her with our Social Worker and Walter and I with her baby. I remember as we were getting ready to leave, we'd already strapped Ava into the new born car seat in our car. Our BBM was sobbing and part of me felt so guilty for taking something so special from her. We hugged and we cried and we clung to each other and then she did something so beautiful and so tender I will never forget it. She pulled away from me, stared into my eyes, brushed my cheek with her hand, nodded her head and turned and walked to our SW's car, got in and they left.
It's an odd and beautiful experience adoption for us, so much joy at finally being granted what we had longed for, mixed with sadness for the pain so visible on our BBM.

Marcia (123 blog) said...

Hi, over from a link on Sharon's blog.

And.... my twins were born on 7 July 09 too :)

Captain Murdock {} said...

I couldn't figure out how to comment on the "How to irritate a birth mother" post. I am an adoptive parent, and I have a top 10 list of questions not to ask. Though mine is written from a much different perspective, there is a lot of overlap. Thank you for giving me a different perspective!