Saturday, January 9, 2010

Four Months/17 Weeks

Wednesday marked 17 weeks since placement, and today it's four whole months.

I hate to brag, but I've impressed myself with how far I've come since those impossibly hard days right after placement. I have grown immeasurably, and I have found strength I did not know I possessed. I'm a better person, a stronger person, a braver person. I'm proud of myself.

I would do it all again in a heartbeat. Not for myself or any growth on my part, but for Roo. She's the reason I did it in the first place. I wanted her to have the world. Adoption was the best way to make sure she got it. I placed her because I love her. And I'd do it all over again for the same reason. Yes, it was tough. I suffered. I cried. I went through sedatives and Kleenex at a rate heretofore unknown.

But Roo is worth it. She is worth every tear, every second of emotional turmoil and pain. She's worth the worry and the heartache, the harassment by H's mother, the ache of missing what I wanted most in the world. I would gladly be miserable every day for the rest of my life if it would ensure a happy life for Roo.

And I'm not miserable! I'm not going to win any awards for cheerfulness. But I'm not miserable. And Roo is happy. She's happy because I put her first. It's a pretty amazing thing. All that any mother ever wants is for her child to be happy. What a blessing it is to know how happy my Roo is! And knowing how content she is, how could I not be happy for her?

It's a process, to be sure. I have my share of bad days (sometimes more than my share). But I feel like they're fewer and further between. They don't bother me as much as they used to. Perhaps someday they won't bother me at all. I'm making progress, that's what's important. And Roo has everything I wanted for her, and that's most important of all.

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