Monday, June 7, 2010

11 Months

My little Roo is 11 months old today. I can hardly believe it.

Her parents sent me a video today, which was an awesome surprise. They're very thoughtful that way, which I so love and appreciate.

It's sort of strange to get a video when I'm so far away. I feel like I'm far away in time and not just distance. It seems like years ago that Roo was born. It seems strange that I was ever pregnant, that I ever had a baby and placed her for adoption.

Last night I had a dream that somehow I ended up pregnant again, and I was devastated because I knew I couldn't parent that baby, either, and I wasn't sure I had the strength to place another baby. In my dream the baby's father was some random guy I met on my trip, and it was horrible (in my dream) to realize too late that I'd done such a stupid thing again, that I'd tossed aside my newfound morals. It was a relief to wake up and know I still had my self-respect, and that I won't have to go through everything again.

I've never been the sort of person to think that dreams have any kind of super-deep meaning but I do think our brains use dreams as sort of an information dump. What I got out of my dream was this: I've come a long way. The distance I have from the events of two years ago has given me a greater perspective, and this was my brain's way of saying, we know better now. We are better than that, and we are stronger.

Distance helps - time distance, that is. I got so sick of other birth moms telling me that time would make things easier. "How MUCH time?" I always thought. And I won't claim to completely be there yet. But the more time passes, the easier it gets, even if just a little bit.

I think, has it really only been 11 months? It feels like forever ago. Because I've come so far! I'm not the woman I was 11 months ago - and I'm glad of it.

And I'm thankful for Roo. She saved me. I'm glad I could return the favor. She is 11 months old today. The world has been a happier place for 11 months. A Roo-ful world is a happier world, I think. I know I'm happier. I know she's happy, too. I can't ask for anything more.


jgirl said...

11 months old already? crazy how time flies...and you girl, have grown leaps and bounds. just know that you deserve to be happy and little girl is so lucky to have you as her birth-Mommy! =0)

Danya said...

Wow, what an amazingly sweet post! Very touching, Jill. Thanks for sharing :)

AubreyMo said...

Man, babies grow so so fast. I'm glad we have things like pictures to freeze the moment so we can go back and revisit them. It's always nice to be able to look back with a bit of perspective like you talked about too. You have come a long way love. So so proud of you! (and so glad you're still posting on here while you're on vacation).