Wednesday, March 9, 2011

18 Months

Today marks 18 months since placement. I had to count back a couple of times to make sure the number was right. That means that Roo is 20 months old, which is just crazy. How could she possibly be almost two already? My tiny baby isn't a baby any more. Of course, "my" tiny baby isn't mine any more, either, but that's okay.

An acquaintance asked me the other day about Roo, and they called her my daughter. Those words threw me off a little. My daughter? I don't have a daughter. The issue of how to refer to Roo is sort of a tricky one. I've heard some birth moms use the phrase "birth daughter" or "birth son" but that never felt like a good fit for me. She's always just been my little Roo. Mine not because I'm her mother (I'm not), or because I'm her birth mother (which I am) but because I love her. I think that, no matter how old she gets or how tall she grows, she'll always just be "my little Roo" to me.

I wish the English language had better words for relationships. As much as I love English, sometimes I find it lacking. I wonder if the Germans have done any better. They have a lot of good words for which there are no English equivalents. Maybe the Germans have a proper word for what Roo is to me, or for what I am to her.

I digress.

18 months ago, my heart broke. I smashed it to bits with my signature in triplicate. I did it on purpose, and I'd do it again. Not for me, or because I enjoy suffering, or because I feel like it made me a better person. I'd do it again for Roo, because she was worth it. I was asked once, "How could you place your baby?" All I can say in response is, how could I not? How could I look at all the things she could have with P and M and tell her no? I couldn't. I couldn't settle when it came to Roo.

I am so very happy with the life Roo has. I couldn't ask for anything more for her. Well, maybe a baby brother at some point. (Roo would be awesome with a baby brother. She's very sweet with her dolls.) But, babies aside, Roo has everything I wanted for her. She has an amazing family and a delightfully happy life. How could I not be happy when she's doing so well?

My heart shattered 18 months ago.

It's better now.

10 comments:

Savannah said...

You amaze me. :)

AubreyMo said...

It's hard to know which words to use but I think "my Roo" is like the porridge from Goldilocks And The Three Bears - juuuuust right.

I can't get over how fast little ones grow. 20 months? How is it even possible? All my little babes (nieces and nephews) that were born at the same time are all turning one, and my Aspen will be four this year.

On Loan From Heaven said...

Love this... thank you for sharing your heart, once again :-)

Dana said...

18 months is a big deal! I am happy to hear that your heart is feeling "better". I think calling her your "Roo" is just perfect and something that is her own between you both. Very sweet. May your strength continue to shine through...

S said...

I love reading your posts! I always wondered how I would ever know how a birth mother felt when we went through our adoption. Reading your posts gives me an idea of what it may be like for her.

Que and Brittany's Adoption Journal said...

Wow! I can't believe it's been that long! I agree, I like the term "birth mom" but "birth daughter" or "birth son" seems odd. I like what you call Roo. And I'm glad you're doing much better. :)

A Life Being Lived said...

This is why Open Adoption works.......yes as birthmoms we hurt but there is also grace and redemption and hope in our decision. And the pictures, updates, and knowledge of their lives and how happy their are with their families, and how well they are doing, makes all the difference. You are a brave woman and one of my heroes!

Sassy Christian Momma said...

couldn't have said it better posting peeps!
Jill- you are still super awesome- hope to see you at conference in AUGUST if you can make it! You are such an inspiration!

Jade said...

My little roo, is adorable. But, in my own opinion, even though you're not her parent and you're not her Mommy, she is still your daughter, even if you're not her mother..if that makes any sense. For me, I know I could never give birth to a child, and even if I placed him/her, and not consider them my son or daughter. I would absolutely respect the parents as his/her mom and dad, but I'd always consider them my child. You did a beautiful and selfless thing for Roo.

Karin Katherine said...

Your post gives me hope. I hope our daughter's birth mom will feel healing at 18 months. Right now she cannot handle seeing pictures and the visit she had broke her. I think she hasn't come to terms with the fact that she is not the Mom anymore. She hasn't figured out how to refer to the baby girl that we both love, but that I get to parent. I am hopeful.