Saturday, March 26, 2011

I don't remember the exact date, but I know that it was near the end of March three years ago that I first met H. I was thinking about that a few nights ago. The weather was just the same as it was that night, ever-so-slightly cool, a gentle breeze, and a bright, almost-full moon. It was a beautiful night. I was so naive then. As time passed I wised up a bit, but on that lovely March night I couldn't fathom how drastically my life would change in the next several months.

I don't know how many times I have replayed the night I met H over and over in my head, wondering if I could have said or done anything differently to keep myself from heading down the path I took, if there's anything that would have made a difference. Sometimes the scene plays in my head like a movie, and I cringe as each moment unfolds, charmed even in retrospect by how lovely the night was and how well H and I got along, but a little nauseated knowing where everything was eventually going to lead. It's like watching a scary movie and shouting at the lead, "Don't open the door! The killer's in there!" The past is a movie, and I'm just as powerless to change it.

But I've come to realize each time I take that particular stroll down memory lane that I wouldn't change it if I could. If anything had been different, I never would have ended up pregnant, and if I hadn't gotten pregnant, there would be no Roo. Wouldn't that be sad? I don't like to think about a world with no Roo. I don't like to think about a me without Roo. Heaven only knows who and where I would be.

I feel like I've finally reached the point where I can look back on some of the time I spent with H and not feel like dry-heaving. (I know, I'm quite the romantic.) We were happy for a little while. It's not always easy but I try to remember those times instead of the darker ones that followed. We were happy the night we met. Maybe I'm getting sentimental in my old age, but despite everything that transpired three summers ago, I can look back on that moonlit night and be grateful, because it led me to Roo, and I'm grateful for her most of all.

1 comment:

lifeofdi said...

"and not feel like dry-heaving. (I know, I'm quite the romantic.)"

omg. That killed me. I was laughing so hard.

While my situation never led to anything so life-changing as having a child, I have an ex who I was friends with for quite some time after the break up that abruptly cut off all communication with me. I've found similar comfort in remembering the fun and loving times we had without trying to torture myself over an explanation of our ended friendship that will never come. I think that's all you can do sometimes. Remember the good, because there's no point in reliving the bad.