Monday, March 28, 2011

Okay

I miss my little Roo today. I didn't miss her all day, but my apartment is quiet and lonely, and on nights like this when I don't have anything to do, it's a little harder to see pictures of other people's pregnancies and babies and not miss my newborn Roo and the time I spent as her mother.

I wish I could go back in time, just for a few minutes. I'd go back to when Roo was about six weeks old. She was very snuggly. She'd rest her little noggin right on top of my heart, cheek squished against my sternum, and sleep for hours. I think that part of the reason she has such a nice round head is that she only slept on her back at night. I nearly always held her at nap time, listening to her breathe while she slept. At the time I felt a little guilty for idling so much, but I am so thankful now for the dozens of hours I spent holding her while she dreamed. I couldn't have imagined then how precious those memories would be.

I wish I could inhabit one of those moments right now. Sometimes it seems like a lifetime ago that I was pregnant, that I had a baby, that I was a mother. I can hardly believe it was only two years ago that I was pregnant.

Sometimes I wish I could go back to my pregnancy, too. Fibromyalgia aside, pregnancy agreed with me. I enjoyed it. I loved the feel of Roo's tiny feet kicking at me from the inside. I miss that. I miss knowing that no matter what the future might hold, at that moment my baby girl was safe and warm and mine.

Not that I worry about Roo at all. I know that she's safe and warm and well-fed and happy, in addition to being darling and sweet and the cleverest toddler in the world. But the Roo that I miss and the Roo who will be two in a few months are different Roos. I love Roo with my whole heart and I always will, but she's not mine.

Newborn Roo was mine. That's who I miss. But it's okay, you know? I can miss my itty-bitty baby and I still feel okay. I mean, it's not fantastic fun, but I haven't even cried my eye makeup off. I could totally still leave the house without scaring people.

It's nice to be able to miss baby Roo and not be devastated by it. I suppose I could be devastated by it, if I allowed myself. But I don't. It's no longer a productive part of my grief. In the wise words of Albus Dumbledore, "It does not to do dwell on dreams and forget to live." Missing Roo is a part of living. It's just not the biggest part.

I miss my little Roo today. And I'm okay.

9 comments:

Amber said...

This post is pure wonderful. I just really love your outlook. And I'm so glad you're okay. <3

Jennifer said...

This is a really nice post. I don't know how you do it.

Mother of the Wild Boys said...

I adore your gift of putting feelings into eloquent words. I'm sending a hug your way. :)

Savannah said...

Beautiful Post. I saw the quote from Albus Dumbledore on FB last night, thanks for the reminder to live my life. :)

AubreyMo said...

I hate the phrase "we can't go back, we can only go forward" because I go back all the time - to times of sitting on grandmas couch with her, holding her hand, laughing at tv shows. I can only imagine how much you treasure those memories with Roo.

Funny, for how much "they" say we should do this and do that and work hard and have a perfectly clean house, I've never heard one person who missed someone say, "I wish I would have spent more time cleaning and working". Time spent with someone you love will always outweigh that. I'm glad you're doing okay lovely.

Rachel said...

Beautiful post!

A Life Being Lived said...

You give me so much courage and hope Jill!!! I hope you know that your words are so honest and poignant and I REALLY needed to read this post today. xo

Dana, Chris and Addison said...

I am so glad that you have those moments to remember with your little Roo and that you reflect on them so positively. I love that you held her for hours on end while she slept. What a wonderful mom to have given her such an amazing start to life!

Mary said...

I love that you can be honest and say what you say. I have your button on my blog now...a reminder to everyone that the kids I'm raising have been loved before. http://jarmanfamilyblog.blogspot.com/

Keep on keeping it real, and educating people about all the facets of adoption.