I feel like I've been neglecting my blog lately. I used to blog much more frequently, and I had a lot more to say, and I felt very passionately about the things that I wrote.
I don't mean to imply that I feel any less strongly about what I write anymore, but it's true that I don't feel the burning desire to blog as much as I used to. I've started ten different posts in the past month and I haven't finished any of them. I just don't care as much.
Let me hasten to assure you that this is a good thing. Blogging is a wonderful outlet for me when I need to work things through and when I have something I want to say. I just don't have as much to say or to work through these days. I'm probably a more boring person for it, but I really am very happy with the adoption part of my life lately. Roo is flourishing (have I bragged yet about how she learned to count to ten ages ago?), I'm pleased with the level of openness I have with P and M, and I haven't had an adoption-related crying fit in weeks. Those times when I miss Roo - Roo today, newborn Roo, or the Roo who might have been - or get to thinking too much about how hard placement was, or think about the heartbreak faced by people I know and love who want to adopt, those times don't come up as much anymore.
Which isn't to say that I haven't cried. I'm going to be brutally honest here and confess that every time I hear of the engagement or (planned) pregnancy of a girl who is not old enough to rent a car, I go into a little sad downward spiral and if it happens two or three times in a week, I'll sob into a tray of marshmallow Peeps for a few minutes. I've hidden a lot of these people on Facebook (19-year-olds, all) because their constant chirping about stupid things ("Soooo glad I'm getting married so I don't have to finish college!") brings out Crabby, Bitter Old Jill, and I'm trying to tramp her down until I'm at least thirty.
Where was I?
Right. Adoption. I am in such a good place with adoption right now! I am very happy with how things have worked out for Roo and for me. I cannot even begin to say what a perfectly wonderful, amazing, sweet and clever toddler my little Roo is. I am so happy for her and the life that she has. If someone had told me 18 months ago that today I would have the peace that I do, I would have snapped at them and told them to keep such comments to themselves, only not that nicely. For sure, not that nicely. And then I would have cried about it.
I'm not sure what the turning point was for me. I'm not sure when it got easier to the point that it was just easy. I've tried to look back over the past few months and see what's made the difference. I can't say exactly. To be fair, life is not all unicorns and rainbows. I am perfectly miserable about a lot of different things right now, and a few days ago I cried for a few minutes at the sight of something that reminded me of when I was a mother. But it passed. It always does.
I placed my little girl for adoption, and I am happy. Roo is happy, so I am happy.
I'm not done blogging. Not by a long shot. Neither am I naive enough to think that because I've got such peace now, my days of adoption-related sob-fests are over. But my lows aren't nearly as low, or as frequent. So, the times when more and more days pass between blog posts? Those are good things. No news from me is good news.
If you read this right after I posted it you'll notice that I've edited this post. Someone sent me a super nasty message about it a few hours ago and to keep my migraine at bay, I cut the offending sentences. For the record, I don't hate anyone who marries young (Aubrey married young and I seriously heart her), and I am not a malicious, mean, sad little woman. But thank you, message-sender, for your vitriol. I found your opinions highly amusing.