Sunday, December 6, 2009

Empty

I had hoped that the misery I've felt in the past few days would ease up a bit, become more tolerable. If only it had! Instead I feel worse, much worse. I can't seem to stop crying. I am more miserable now than I've been at any point in my life besides right after I placed Roo.

I miss her more than I can bear. It's killing me. It's a tumor, slowly growing and eating up my will to go on. I feel like I've got nothing. Nothing to look forward to, nothing to do, no reason to eat or breathe or take up space here on God's green earth. My life has never felt emptier. I don't know what it is I'm supposed to do anymore. What do I have? I can't think of anything I've got going for me. Despite my best efforts, I have no friends, no love life, no job, no money, no reason to get out of bed in the morning, or afternoon.

I have spent hours on my knees in prayer, asking God to give me direction, to give me hope. All I can surmise is that He must be a little too busy for me at the moment, because my prayers go unanswered. I know that sometimes God doesn't give us the answers we want, and I'm okay with that. I'd be okay with any answer at all, because it would be something. I'm not getting anything. I know I have to have faith. Believe you me, I have faith. If I didn't, I'd never have placed Roo with P and M. And after placement, in that fresh hell, I had faith that things would get better.

How long am I supposed to live on faith? When will God reward my faith with something, anything, even a morsel, a scrap of hope or joy? I am moving backwards, it seems. Instead of things getting easier as placement recedes into the past, they are getting harder and harder until I can't even think of Roo without bursting into a fit of tears. In my grief I am selfish enough to want her back - not because she's better off with me, but because I feel I can't bear to be without her. I love her too much, I miss her too much. How am I supposed to go on without my baby, my most precious, perfect blessing?

I have done everything I can. I have repented of my sins, I have been obedient, I have gone to every church meeting every Sunday, every fireside, every FHE, every Institute class. I have prayed, studied my scriptures, paid my tithing, served others, shared my testimony. Isn't God supposed to bless us when we're obedient? I have gotten more priesthood blessings than I can count. They help for a moment, but only for a moment. I feel I am adrift in the ocean, alone on a ship ill equipped to handle the storms and waves and weather. What am I to do? I wish I knew. I wish I didn't miss Roo so desperately. I wish I had something to hope for, to look forward to, to live for. I have nothing, and I am empty.

2 comments:

dust and kam are hoping to adopt! said...

I am sorry you are hurting so much right now. Just know you are in my thoughts and prayers.

Lara said...

It might be a small comfort, but you're not alone. Even though it seems strange that we've never met, I think about you as a friend and I worry about you and hope for you and hurt for you.