Saturday, December 5, 2009

Nothing to Do

I don't know why, but I've been having a really hard time lately. I miss Roo like crazy. I know that's probably kind of stupid of me since I just saw her yesterday, and I'm going to see her again very soon. But stupid or not, it's how I feel. I miss that little girl. I missed her as soon as I strapped her into the car seat in her mommy's minivan and kissed her goodbye. I missed her on the drive home. I missed her as I had a late-morning snack, and when I wrote about the visit, and although I'm not sure it's possible, if it is, I'm certain I missed her when I took a catnap in the afternoon.

I feel lately as though I've been going backwards instead of forwards - it's getting harder again instead of easier, and I'm not sure what to do about it or even why it is. I wonder if it's because the adoption will be finalized soon. But when I think about it, that doesn't seem like it, and I'm just at a loss as to what the reason could be. Maybe because she's getting bigger, getting older - nearly 5 months now - and I'm not there to see it, to see all of those little firsts. Not that I should be there. I'm not her mommy. But I used to be, and I miss it. I miss being a mom, period. I was good at it. I enjoyed it. I worry I'll never get a chance to do it again. Secondary infertility happens to women every day. And that's assuming I actually manage to find a husband to have children with, a possibility that seems less and less likely with each passing day.

I'm sick of people telling me to be patient, that there's a good man out there somewhere for me. Where on earth is he? (Perhaps I should check the International Space Station.) I'm looking, I promise I am. And I have, quite frankly, run out of places to look. You name it, I've tried it. Where is this great man? It's easier to believe that he simply doesn't exist than it is to believe that there exists a place he might be that I haven't looked at. I'm at a loss.

But I miss Roo. And it's hard. And there isn't a thing I can do about it - just endure, keep going, have faith that some day, somehow, things will get better and easier, and I'll be able to live the life I've always wanted - as a wife and a mother.

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