Monday, December 14, 2009

The Return of H, or: More Questions

No, he hasn't returned literally (thank goodness). I still haven't seen him in a year and two weeks (not that I'm counting). And I really haven't thought about him much for a while. But I suppose some part of my subconscious has been thinking about him, because I dreamed about him last night.

Most of the dream was about something else entirely, but in one part of my dream I got a letter from him. It wasn't a long letter but it said a lot - he was sorry for everything, he missed me, he felt bad about how things turned out between us, he wanted to meet his daughter, he wanted pictures and updates.

The dream moved on from there (it ended up as something about a vampire story in the Parade magazine that controlled the mind of anyone who read it) but the letter is the only thing that really stuck with me. Where did my brain come up with that? I wonder. It's entirely possible that it was my mind trying to resolve things. That the dream version of H said and did what some part of me wishes the real H would do.

But then, I think, is that what I really want? If I'm honest I'd rather not ever hear from him again. And I don't expect I ever will. But I think I'll always wonder why. Why doesn't he care? Doesn't he ever wonder about her? About what she looks like, if she's healthy, if she's happy. How can he not?

Sometimes I feel bad for him. He is missing out on having this wonderful little person in his life. But most of the time it's more along the lines of, I'm glad he doesn't have anything to do with her, because he doesn't deserve to. He's not good enough for her. I don't want him to have an influence in her life.

Still I wonder. Does he ever think about her? Does he ever wished he'd done things differently, that we were still together - raising her together? I think, maybe he wants contact, he wants pictures, he wants to know how she is and whether his alcohol-soaked DNA gave her flippers instead of feet, or two noses or something (don't think I didn't worry about that sort of thing when I was pregnant). Maybe he wants these things, but he's afraid to ask. I quickly dismiss those thoughts. H has never been afraid to make his opinions known. But the fact remains that I haven't seen him in over a year, and I haven't heard from him since August 22nd at 1am. Not a word since that last terse, vaguely menacing e-mail. I can only assume he resumed his cyberstalking of me enough to figure out what happened with things after he e-mailed me. But he's never bothered to contact me since then. Why? Doesn't he have anything to say? Good or bad?

I wonder about other things, too. I know he has a picture of her from the day she was born, before I fixed certain privacy settings. Has he printed it out? Does he have it somewhere he can see it? Did he give a copy to his mother? Does she hate me for choosing adoption? The next time H is in a relationship, will he tell his girlfriend that he fathered a child last year? Will he ever tell anyone? Did he even tell anyone to begin with? His mother is the only one I know for sure he told. Do his friends know? What sorts of horrible things might they have said about me to try to cheer him up? I've cried an ocean. Has H? Has he ever cried, even once, even for a second, about the chance he had that he lost? Does he ever wish he had a baby in his house? Does he ever think about me?

If my brain was trying to bring about a resolution with this dream, it failed miserably. I've got more questions than I've ever had. What I need are answers. And I don't think I'm going to find them in my dreams. I may never find them. I guess I'm going to have to accept that and try to move on.

1 comment:

Que and Brittany's Adoption Journal said...

It's hard to think about if you rather have the birth father still in your life but OK with the adoption... or would you rather have him not in your life at all (but leaving you with questions). Tough call. :(