Something happened yesterday afternoon. I've been trying to decide since then whether I ought to mention it or not. I wasn't going to, but it's still bothering me a day later, so here goes: I got e-mail from H's mother yesterday.
I was shocked when I saw her name in my inbox. Deep down, I didn't want to read anything she had to say. I knew it was going to upset me. But curiosity got the better of me. And I was right. It did upset me.
She has apparently been reading this blog. And she didn't have anything nice to say about it or me at ALL. I don't think I've ever before been on the receiving end of such vitriol, such anger, such hatred.
I am tempted to copy and paste the entire e-mail here, but I don't want that kind of nastiness on my blog. Suffice it to say that H's mother thinks I am a whore and a liar and that I don't love my baby. She accused me of spreading lies and slandering her and her son. She said I had played God. That I don't care about my baby. That I am nasty and deceitful. That God was never going to bless me because I am selfish and cruel.
She offered her family's health history, but not to me. Only to P and M. She said that she doubted I would pass her information along to them because I don't love my baby enough. Excuse me, but if there's something important to know, and she's keeping it a secret, doesn't it seem that SHE's the one who doesn't love the baby? That it is her, not me, who is being manipulative and cruel?
And I know she wouldn't just give the information to P and M outright. It's her only bargaining chip. She is going to withhold it until she gets exactly what she wants - pictures and letters, visits, or restitution of some sort, or whatever else she can think of.
I spent hours crying. I don't care where they come from - such angry, mean-spirited words and accusations sting. I don't like being called names. It hurts. And the thought of H's mother having anything to do with my sweet baby makes me nauseous. Is a person who sends that sort of e-mail out of the blue really the sort of person who ought to have access to my little girl? I don't think so. I don't want her to have visits or pictures if she's going to be so nasty, so cruel, so manipulative. That sort of behavior is unworthy of such a sweet baby.
I asked H for his health history a year ago, when I was pregnant, and he wouldn't tell me anything. I don't know why this is coming up now - why H's mother chose yesterday, after all this time, to verbally assault me. I can only assume that she wanted to ruin Christmas the same way she ruined Mother's Day.
She sent my mother a very manipulative e-mail on Mother's Day, full of half-truths and self-pity. H had lied to his mother about a number of things, and of course she believed him. She took his side, the same as she's doing now.
I'm certain she's reading this as well. I'm not going to bother refuting any of the nasty things she said because she'd never believe me. There's no point in trying to argue with that sort of content. Well, H's mother, you made me cry and feel absolutely horrible for several hours. Are you happy? Is that what you wanted? Mission Accomplished. You are a cruel and selfish woman and it is precisely because I love my baby so much that I'm not going to let you have anything to do with her. I'm not going to pass your information along just to prove a point or to try and convince you that I love my baby. If you're read this blog at all then you can't deny that I love that little girl with every cell in my body. And if you loved her, too, you wouldn't hold back important information just to be nasty and controlling. You'd share it freely. The end.
Honestly, this woman hardly knows me. That she would say such horrible things about a woman she's met twice speaks volumes about her character. I don't know where all this is coming from. Has H been bad-mouthing me to his mother? I hope not. I don't bad-mouth him. Ask my mother. She reads this blog and she hears me speak, and she doesn't think ill of H at all. I tell the ugly truth, and I'm sorry if it hurts him. He is not a bad person. I loved him once. Part of me will always love him. I wish I had more good things to say about him but some things are personal and private and I won't share them just for the sake of balancing the scales on this blog.
This whole thing is so upsetting. What on earth did I ever do to this woman? Yes, this was her first grandchild, but can't she see that I chose adoption out of love? That I only wanted the very best for this precious little child? If she can't see that, then I am so sorry for her. It's sad. I wouldn't want to live my life full of anger and bitterness.
Blog readers, help me out here: comment honestly. Have I been unfair to H? Do I come across as hating him? As having placed my baby simply to spite him? I want to know if I have. That is not my intent. I don't want to give that impression at all, and I'm sorry if I have.
But even if I have, isn't there a better way to handle it than a manipulative e-mail? I like to think there is, even if H's mother doesn't think so.