Saturday, December 19, 2009

H's Mother

Something happened yesterday afternoon. I've been trying to decide since then whether I ought to mention it or not. I wasn't going to, but it's still bothering me a day later, so here goes: I got e-mail from H's mother yesterday.

I was shocked when I saw her name in my inbox. Deep down, I didn't want to read anything she had to say. I knew it was going to upset me. But curiosity got the better of me. And I was right. It did upset me.

She has apparently been reading this blog. And she didn't have anything nice to say about it or me at ALL. I don't think I've ever before been on the receiving end of such vitriol, such anger, such hatred.

I am tempted to copy and paste the entire e-mail here, but I don't want that kind of nastiness on my blog. Suffice it to say that H's mother thinks I am a whore and a liar and that I don't love my baby. She accused me of spreading lies and slandering her and her son. She said I had played God. That I don't care about my baby. That I am nasty and deceitful. That God was never going to bless me because I am selfish and cruel.

She offered her family's health history, but not to me. Only to P and M. She said that she doubted I would pass her information along to them because I don't love my baby enough. Excuse me, but if there's something important to know, and she's keeping it a secret, doesn't it seem that SHE's the one who doesn't love the baby? That it is her, not me, who is being manipulative and cruel?

And I know she wouldn't just give the information to P and M outright. It's her only bargaining chip. She is going to withhold it until she gets exactly what she wants - pictures and letters, visits, or restitution of some sort, or whatever else she can think of.

I spent hours crying. I don't care where they come from - such angry, mean-spirited words and accusations sting. I don't like being called names. It hurts. And the thought of H's mother having anything to do with my sweet baby makes me nauseous. Is a person who sends that sort of e-mail out of the blue really the sort of person who ought to have access to my little girl? I don't think so. I don't want her to have visits or pictures if she's going to be so nasty, so cruel, so manipulative. That sort of behavior is unworthy of such a sweet baby.

I asked H for his health history a year ago, when I was pregnant, and he wouldn't tell me anything. I don't know why this is coming up now - why H's mother chose yesterday, after all this time, to verbally assault me. I can only assume that she wanted to ruin Christmas the same way she ruined Mother's Day.

She sent my mother a very manipulative e-mail on Mother's Day, full of half-truths and self-pity. H had lied to his mother about a number of things, and of course she believed him. She took his side, the same as she's doing now.

I'm certain she's reading this as well. I'm not going to bother refuting any of the nasty things she said because she'd never believe me. There's no point in trying to argue with that sort of content. Well, H's mother, you made me cry and feel absolutely horrible for several hours. Are you happy? Is that what you wanted? Mission Accomplished. You are a cruel and selfish woman and it is precisely because I love my baby so much that I'm not going to let you have anything to do with her. I'm not going to pass your information along just to prove a point or to try and convince you that I love my baby. If you're read this blog at all then you can't deny that I love that little girl with every cell in my body. And if you loved her, too, you wouldn't hold back important information just to be nasty and controlling. You'd share it freely. The end.

Honestly, this woman hardly knows me. That she would say such horrible things about a woman she's met twice speaks volumes about her character. I don't know where all this is coming from. Has H been bad-mouthing me to his mother? I hope not. I don't bad-mouth him. Ask my mother. She reads this blog and she hears me speak, and she doesn't think ill of H at all. I tell the ugly truth, and I'm sorry if it hurts him. He is not a bad person. I loved him once. Part of me will always love him. I wish I had more good things to say about him but some things are personal and private and I won't share them just for the sake of balancing the scales on this blog.

This whole thing is so upsetting. What on earth did I ever do to this woman? Yes, this was her first grandchild, but can't she see that I chose adoption out of love? That I only wanted the very best for this precious little child? If she can't see that, then I am so sorry for her. It's sad. I wouldn't want to live my life full of anger and bitterness.

Blog readers, help me out here: comment honestly. Have I been unfair to H? Do I come across as hating him? As having placed my baby simply to spite him? I want to know if I have. That is not my intent. I don't want to give that impression at all, and I'm sorry if I have.

But even if I have, isn't there a better way to handle it than a manipulative e-mail? I like to think there is, even if H's mother doesn't think so.


Savannah said...

I'm so sorry you recieved such a hateful email. I don't think you are hateful on your blog, infact I love you for your honesty.

H's mom, if you are reading this, I am sorry for your grief. Your pain is real, but hate will not help ease it. I hope you can open your eyes and see how much Jill does love her daughter, so much so that she was willing to put her daughters needs of a loving, secure family with two parents, before her own wants of having a child to love. It takes great love to make such a choice.

Jill, sending you lots of love. I think you are a wonderful person with a wonderful blog.

Que and Brittany's Adoption Journey said...

You certainly did not place Roo to spite anyone. Please.

Adoption is unselfish because it focuses on the baby's best interest. Period. If it were about your best interest, you would have her. If it were about H's mother's best interest, she would have her.

A true mother sacrifices everything, (including herself) for her child, which is what you did. You broke your own heart to give Roo something better and that had nothing to do with trying to hurt H or his mom.

kristinanne said...

Adoption is a hard thing. It's something that you never really get until you have been through it (or witnessed someone you love through the adoption process) and your heart is changed. Through your blog, I only feel your pain and bittersweet happiness. Please don't allow others to bring you down. Keep blogging and keep sharing your sweet testimony and your sorrows as well.

Unknown said...

Not enough room on here to write my strong opinion about manipulative people. I don't get why she would think its shelfish. U did ALL you could. This just PROVES Roos is where she needs to be. I feel like if you had Roo this woman would try and get her. Shes that manipulaitve. Don't give her P and Ms info I don't trust this woman. From what I have read of your blog you are the most selfless biological mom I have seen. I wish more Moms were like this.

Angie said...

Having known you for about a year and heard you speak a few times on your adoption experience I would say you have been very generous in the comments made about H.

I truly have the up most respect, admiration, and love for what you have done for your beautiful little Roo. Anyone and I mean anyone who says that placing a child for adoption is anything other than completely unselfish does not understand the process nor the women who bravely choose it.

Also, anyone who has ever read even a portion of this blog and thinks that you do not love Roo to the point of breaking your own heart must simply be blind.

What you have chosen to do is in my mind only comparable to the sacrifice made by our Savior, Jesus. May He bless you with peace and happiness, I will pray you find it.

Kim J said...

SO Sorry you had to receive such a hateful email. It's people like that who don't know what adoption is really all about! They don't understand that it is out of complete and total love that you provided a better home for Roo.

When I placed my 3 children when they were little, their birthfather's parents actually offered to "buy" the children, so that I wouldn't give them up. How sad is that? Only thinking of themselves, and not how the kids would truly suffer. It's tragic that people don't understand.

All that really matters in the end, is that Roo is happy, healthy and loved. Not only by P & M, but by you. No else one else, except Heavenly Father, and only he knows what is best for everyone involved.=)



Swinging On Small Hinges said...

How disappointing to receive such an awful email from those who should support you the most. You are a strong beautiful woman and you did what you did out of LOVE...pure, unselfish, Christ-like love! Roo will know only this perfect, undiluted love...and that is all that matters.

J said...

I'm confused...did H not have a decision in your choice to place Roo for adoption?

Jill Elizabeth said...

I had him served with paperwork stating my intention to place the baby for adoption. He had thirty days to respond. If he wanted a say in whether I could choose adoption, he would have had to file papers with the state. He did nothing, so he had no say.
Laws vary from state to state, but that's how things worked here in Arizona.

J said...

thanks for answering...his mom needs to go crawl under a rock!! You gave him notice and he did nothing, so he and his mom need to get over themselved! I think you are an amazing mother for doing what was best for your daughter!

H's mom using the medical records as a bargaining chip proves how ugly and mean spirited she is.