Monday, January 4, 2010

From Joy to Unease ... and Back to Joy

I miss my Roo today.

It's funny. I've gotten to the point where it's sometimes hard to remember at all when she was my baby and I was her mommy. And I was even thinking to myself at church today how long ago it all seems - like a dream more than anything at times.

And then I missed her again. I got pictures and videos from P and M soon after, just when I needed them. She is getting so big! She is such a beautiful baby. Perfect, really. She's working on sitting up by herself, and she is still wonderfully chubby.

And it's funny, because while I miss her, I don't miss ... her, exactly. I mean, I do miss her, every second, and I always will. But I don't miss her in the sense that I want her back. I miss being a mommy. I miss having a baby. I know Roo is where she belongs and that P and M were meant to be her parents. I want a baby who's supposed to be mine. I want a husband and a family and all that cozy domesticity that feminism and the media seem to malign these days. It's all I've ever wanted, really.

I keep seeing all these girls who are 18, 19, 20, 21 years old who are getting married. And while I wouldn't want to marry any of the men they're marrying, I still wonder. When will it be my turn? I wish I knew. It's hard to be patient when there's no endpoint - when it's a potentially infinite wait.

You know what I hate? I hate knowing, as I do now, that H's mother is probably reading every word I write and delighting in my misery because she thinks I'm a nasty liar and that I'm never going to be happy in my life (she told me that, by the way - that I was never going to be happy in life. Nice, eh?). Someone asked about her, while I'm on the subject. I wrote back to her and told her to never contact me again, ever. But I didn't trust that she'd actually leave me alone simply because I asked her to, so I blocked her e-mail address. H's, too, just to be on the safe side. I feel much better knowing I won't have to be subject to that kind of manipulative nastiness again.

But I hate the thought that this woman is privy to any of my thoughts or feelings about Roo and adoption and things. I wish I could block her from my blog as well as from my e-mail. I think I'd feel better without the thought of H's mother reading this and taking delight in my unease and sporadic melancholy. I'm going to try not to think about her. I don't want her having that kind of control, or taking up that much of my mental energy. It's bad enough that I started off writing about my sweet baby and ended up preoccupied with that woman. I'm mad at myself for that.

You know what's amazing, though? As worked up as I may get, and as much as I might miss Roo and being her mommy and as wistful as I might get thinking about being single, I can cheer myself up in about two seconds, and I just did.

I opened up one of my Roo videos and watched it. Just seeing her smile at her mommy and daddy makes me smile. It's instant joy. How spoiled am I? Roo's parents spoil me, they really do. They're so good about sending me pictures and videos and updates, and arranging visits when I need them. I love them dearly. Ruby is so blessed to have them as her parents.


Lara Zierke said...

Have you considered making your blog private? I know it's nice to have your story available to all who need it, but if it means protecting yourself, it's something you can do.

jgirl said...

The only problem with a private blog, is the inability of people who may really need it to be able to read it. Thank you for sharing your story Jill. =0)

Linda Rainey Hyde said...

This is Tamra's mom. I think you are wise to just let go of "her" and any attached nastiness. Just as God has blessed you to be able to "let go" in the sense of placing for adoption, he will help you to "let go" of anything that keeps you from being who you are meant to be. As you placed your sweet little one in his hands, so place those others, and let Him do as He will. All my best.

SmallAdventures said...

I think you are brave!!! I wish peace for you in your life! Your baby is beautiful and I am sure your adoptive family loves you to pieces!
Thanks for sharing your thoughts on your blog!