Monday, March 15, 2010

I Wonder ...

I wonder sometimes what would happen if I ran into H somewhere. I've been thinking about him a lot lately for some reason. Maybe because it's been 2 years since we first met.

It could happen, you know. We probably go to a lot of the same places since there's not a ton of things to do around the east valley. Although the fact that I don't frequent bars does narrow things down a bit.

But still ... the mall, the zoo, the gas station ... it could happen someday. And maybe someday it will. And I wonder what it would be like. What would happen.

Would he acknowledge me? Would he look away? Would he say anything?

And what would I do?

I like to think that I'd run screaming in the other direction, but I'm much too sensible and passive-aggressive for that. I'd probably pretend not to see him and hide behind the first thing I could find.

But sometimes I think I'd like to talk to him. I've had conversations with him in my head. They start off civil and he tries to explain himself. He tells me he didn't want to get his heart involved until he knew what was going to happen with the baby. And I tell him that I didn't either, but I didn't have that option, as I was the pregnant one. And I tell him that if he didn't want his heart involved, he shouldn't have gotten his ... something involved. I use a lot of unladylike language in this imaginary converstation.

He's not a bad person and I don't hate him. I just think that something, somewhere, went horribly wrong with him, and he forgot how to empathize - if in fact he ever learned. I wonder if he didn't.

Sometimes I wonder if he has a heart at all. He was full of plenty of excuses but little emotion when I confronted him last March. And the e-mail I got when he found out I still had Roo ... plenty of legalese and blather but no real content. No real emotion. Nothing about him being hurt. Just this harsh, imperious sort of tone that was so unlike him - unlike him, and very like his mother.

What sort of man lets his mother handle that sort of thing? And he has to know that she e-mailed me in December and January. Wasn't he embarrassed that his mother said and did all that? I would be. But again, H seems incapable of feeling anything other than amused, randy or tipsy.

I don't know. Sometimes I wish he'd have manned up or something. Made some sort of commitment. And I wonder, what would have happened had he done so? If he'd bought that Hello Kitty engagement ring he once mentioned seeing at the mall? What would I have done? Would I have said yes?

I think I would have. It would have been wrong, but I would have done it. I wonder what sort of life I would have now. Where I'd live, who I'd be. How Roo would be. If H would have changed at all.

I feel certain that he would have been the best father he knew how to be. I don't think he would ever have intentionally harmed Roo - not physically, not emotionally or mentally. But he might not have seen the wrong in what he said or did. He might not have thought there was anything wrong with his views, his methods, his lifestyle. And Roo would grow up confused about things - about why daddy said one thing and mommy said another. Who was right? And why were they always arguing with each other?

And eventually I'd have taken Roo and left him, and she'd be in the middle of a disaster, being pulled in both directions, emotionally scarred and confused.
It's a moot point, I know. He never asked. I can't imagine any circumstances under which he would have.

But I think I still would have said yes. And I hate myself for it.

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