[Caveat: I wrote this when I was feeling terribly emotional. I try not to write when I'm a mess, but I think it's important to be honest about my feelings, and this is what they were earlier.]
I miss my little Roo today.
I miss her every day, if I'm honest. But most days it's more of an undercurrent. And then there are days like today where I cry for all I'm worth, and I feel desperate, broken, like I will never be human again.
I know it sounds selfish, but part of the reason I didn't want to place Roo was because I was afraid this was going to happen. That I would be ruined, that every day for the rest of my life would be a battle to keep from falling apart. I didn't think I could bear that kind of pain.
I was wrong. Apparently I can bear it. But not very well.
I miss her so much that it is a physical ache. My arms feel empty, my heart feels empty. I have nothing. I could die from the pain of missing my little girl. I wish I could sometimes. It seems grossly unjust that a person should have to live with this kind of torment.
Everyone told me that I was going to get the most amazing blessings from placing Roo. That my life would improve in ways I couldn't even imagine. That this would be good for me as well as Roo - that I would find direction and purpose and hope, and that God would compensate me immeasurably.
So far, my life has not improved. This hasn't been particularly good for me. I have no direction, no purpose, very little hope. Mostly I have a void. How much longer will God make me wait for things to get better? How much more will I be asked to endure? I'm tired of being brave, of being strong. I'm tired of being a good example. I'm tired of being a birth mom. I'm tired of pretending I'm doing okay because people have grown impatient with my grief and pain.
Maybe it's not what people want to hear, but I don't care. My feelings are valid. They are important to me and I'm not going to hide them because people don't think they're important. You know what? I have good days and bad days and I'm not going to apologize for the bad ones. Being a birth mom really, really sucks sometimes. It hurts worse than anything.
There isn't really anything in the world that can make things right again, that can make up for the loss. But she's worth it. My little Roo is worth the pain and the anguish and the misery and every single tear.
I love her. And I miss her, and so I cry. And I pray for the strength to get myself through another day. Maybe tomorrow will be a better day.