Monday, March 8, 2010

The Saddest Happy

My sister is expecting her third child. And when I say expecting, I mean, she's going to have a c-section in about eight hours. She's having a little girl. I'm excited for her. Really, I am.

Sort of.

Mostly I am depressed as all-get-out. I'm almost too depressed to muster up even the slightest bit of enthusiasm for my sister. This little one is something of a miracle baby, since my sister had been told previously that she wasn't going to be able to have any more children. So, I mean, it's great and all. I'm happy for her.

And sad for myself. Because I am selfish, and I wish it was me. I miss my baby Roo. I've cried buckets today. Roo is just so perfect. So pretty and sweet. I love her more than words can express. I wish she were mine. It seems so unfair that she's not.

I hate playing the "life's not fair" card. I KNOW life isn't fair. I'm not stupid. I don't expect life to be fair. But at the same time, does life not being fair mean it has to be complete and utter tripe? Does it have to be UNfair? Why can't one tiny little thing ever work out in my favor?

Roo is a perfect mix of me and H. She got the best of both of us. For some reason I thought earlier about what it would be like if H and I had stayed together. I could see clearly in my mind a family picture of the three of us, Roo in the middle, her features a dainty little amalgam of the parents on either side of her.

I wanted to smack myself for even thinking of it. For thinking, even for a second, that H and I could have ever enjoyed any sort of quaint little domesticity. For thinking so selfishly. Roo deserves so much more than to have two complete screw ups as parents.

I wish I did deserve her. I wish I was enough for her, could have been enough somehow. I wish I could believe that someday I will deserve a husband and a baby, that I will be good enough, that people will tell me I'll make a great mother instead of telling me I have no right to be a mother.

I wish it was me having a c-section tomorrow, with my husband by my side and two beautiful children at home with their grandparents. I wish I could just be happy for my sister. I should be happy for her. I AM happy for her. It's just not a very happy happy. It's a sad happy. I'm getting remarkably good at those. And just as remarkably tired of them.

I hate that all I can think of right now is the insensitive and judgmental things my sister said to me when I was pregnant. I hate that I'm counting down until her baby is nine weeks old, and that what I want badly to do is to call her up that day and say, "Now, could you even consider for a second giving your baby to someone else? Do you have the strength to do that? I did. Don't you ever dare to judge me again."

Is it awful that I've been thinking that for days? That I've been tempted to throw her words back at her? About how I was being selfish and how if I really, really thought about it, I'd see that my baby deserved better. Try choking that one down when you're weeks away from your due date. Try not being bitter when you love your baby more than anyone or anything in the world, and your own sister tells you that, basically, this baby would be better off with any parents in the world but you.

Urg. I hate it when I get all crabby and emotional like this. But you know what else I hate? I hate how most of my family has this attitude like, "Oh, well, you know you did the right thing," and no one seems for a second to be able to empathize, to be able to think, holy crap, Jill did this impossible thing, this amazing thing, and she is such a strong, incredible person. I get that people think I did the right thing (and think that I was stubborn and screwed up before) and they're happy - for Roo, since of course no one is particularly concerned for my welfare - but just once I'd like my sister or youngest brother (both of whom have children) to say, my gosh. How on earth did you do it? How did you survive? I can't even imagine making such a sacrifice. You must love Roo so much. I am so sorry you've had to go through that. I am so sorry I can't be there with you, that you've gone through this alone. I love you.

I find myself at a loss. I am trying so freaking hard to be happy for my sister. I sat for over an hour in the temple Saturday night, trying to make peace with the situation. I found none. I felt God's love, as I always do in the temple, but I didn't get any answers to the questions on my mind - how on earth do I get over myself when I'm the only company I have? How do I put my hurt aside to find joy in someone else's blessings?

I wish I knew. I wish I didn't miss my baby so much. But I don't, and I do. And there's nothing I can do about it.


Margaret said...

I know some of what you feel right now. When I would hear of my nieces/nephews expecting babies I would get so upset. Why not me, why did I have to be infertile. Was HF punishing me for marrying a non-member? With every friend that was expecting I would get more upset. Both my VTs were pregnant and I hated their visits until one day I saw those two beautiful pink lines.

As an adoptee I can not understand how someone could make an adoption plan for their child. I can't imagine the pain of not being with your precious baby. I do understand the sacrifice of being willing to do what is best for your baby even if it is not what you truly want. You are a strong and beautiful girl. I can't promise you marriage and children in the future but I do believe it is possible.

Big hugs.

jgirl said...

Jill, I have an e-mail to share with you...I'll send it to you later after I torture myself first, with work that is. (((Hugs))) don't be so hard on yourself and try not to be so hard on your sister either, she just wants the best for you.

Mother of the Wild Boys said...

It sounds to me like your feelings are valid. I'd seriously be cheering you on to say that to your sis...but that's the selfish part of me too. :)
It always surprises me to see how unaware others can be of our struggles as birthmoms, but then I realize that most people are too caught up in their own lives to think about those around them. *sigh*

Well, not that it helps much...but I'm thinking of you. And I think you are the best kind of mom...the kind that sacrifices her own comfort for that of her child. Hang in there. <3

Heather said...

My computer is freezing up so if this is a duplicate comment please delete it. I don't know if it went through the first time.

It bothers me that you said:

"I wish I could believe that someday I will deserve a husband and a baby, that I will be good enough, that people will tell me I'll make a great mother instead of telling me I have no right to be a mother."

First of all you have already proven yourself to be a good mother by making the HARDEST choice anyone could make. Giving your daughter what you couldn't when she was born, an eternal family. That was what was important to you and you did it, even though it tore your heart out. You weren't thinking about yourself, you were thinking about Roo. That is what a mother does.

Second of all what makes you think you don't "deserve" a husband? It is more like you need to find a husband that is good enough and that deserves you.

You're a good person Jill. Stop thinking that you aren't. It makes me sad. Yeah , I know we have never met, but are a wonderful person very deserving of happiness NOW!

Someday is now.

Que and Brittany's Adoption Journey said...

It was hard for people like me to be happy for other people having babies too. Believe me, I know what that is like. The temple helps, if only to give you a glimpse of His love for you. Sometimes He won't take away our suffering, He just helps us endure it. But I know you know that. :)

Anonymous said...

I found your blog a couple weeks ago through the rhouse blog. I have read your entire blog and I just have to say you are an AMAZING woman! What an example you have been to me just by reading your blog. You have had me crying while reading it and as I said before just completely amazed by you!
My husband and I were blessed to adopt our daughter when she was 8 days old. We love adoption and have so much love for our daughter's birth parents and for other birth parents out there. I will defend a birth parent over and over again! Your daughter will have so much love for you and for the loving choice you made. You gave her life and placed her into her families arms, for that she will be forever grateful. Just like I know our daughter will be towards her birthparents.
Thank you so much for sharing your adoption journey.
If you are fine with it I would love to add your name to my friends list on my blog?
Again thanks for sharing!

Angee said...

I'm so sorry that you are going through this! I have not been on your side of the adoption triad so I really do not know how you are feeling. But I do know the hopelessness of infertility. I found that when I forgot myself and served others, that is when I truly felt happy. And, staying busy. I was busy 24 hours a day just to keep from thinking. I hope that you can find peace and love from our Heavenly Father! :)

Lara Zierke said...

I have this Calvin & Hobbes cartoon strip hanging in my office. Calvin is complaining to his father about one of the injustices of life and Calvin's father says, "Life isn't fair." And Calvin retorts, "I know that. But can't it ever be unfair in my favor?"

It cracks me up and also makes me wonder, when am I gonna good all the good stuff people are getting screwed out of because life isn't fair? Can I be on the winning side of that deal? :)

AubreyMo said...

Jill, you are amazing, awesome, wonderful, strong, loving, passionate and deserving of every sort of happy on this Earth. I hope you know that.

Don't be too down on yourself. It's always hard to be happy for someone when they have something that you want. (That sounds odd, I hope you get how I was trying to make that come across). I think you're being the bigger person by not throwing her words back at her, when it would be only so easy for some to do that. You did the best thing you could for Roo!!! Even though it was hard for you, I don't think we'll ever know how hard...but you did it. YOU DID IT. You loved that little bundle so much that you were selfless and gave her the world. I'm so PROUD of you.