Monday, December 27, 2010

Ch-Ch-Changes

It occurred to me the other day that I haven't really said much lately about how things are going right now as far as adoption goes. I don't have much to say about it, I guess. I mean, I could go on for days about last Wednesday's practically perfect visit with P and M and their darling daughters. I could write pages about Roo's eyebrows alone (she has very expressive eyebrows). But I feel like I'm in a really good place with adoption in general and my adoption situation in particular. I am content. I still have my moments where I miss Roo terribly, but more and more I find that the Roo I miss isn't the Roo that exists now. I miss the newborn Roo who was mine and I'm sad for what never was, not for what is. Roo has a wonderful life. I am so happy for her!

So, adoption's great. It's the rest of my life that's a bit untidy at present. And when I say "a bit untidy" what I mean is that there has been a great deal of upheaval.

For openers, I am trying to get back into school. I always planned on getting my bachelor's degree before I turned thirty, and the clock is ticking. Financial aid has been one gigantic migraine, and absolutely nothing I'd planned for the coming semester seems to be falling into place.

I started working again at the end of October, which was an adjustment for me. The last time I worked, H was in my life. I was working at a hair salon for a manager who hated me. My financial situation had never looked better, so I put up with the verbal abuse. My father was still alive. It was a completely different world.

Now I have a very different job at a great library, working for and with people who are generally very kind and personable. My pay would have to be raised to reach abysmal, but I'm happy enough. It's strange to be working again. While I discovered that unemployment didn't particularly suit me, I did grow accustomed to it. So, working is an adjustment. I've had to re-learn how to prioritize and manage my time.

I had been working for exactly three days when my mother announced her engagement to a man she had been dating for all of about two weeks. They got married on December 3rd. He moved in. I'm moving out. I found a really fantastic condo for rent a few miles west of where I live now, and my lease starts on New Year's Day. So I have spent much of my time since Halloween packing and planning for my new place.

I realize that at my age it's probably just sad that I still live at home. But still ... I don't know. I guess I always thought that moving out would be my idea, something I did when my finances were in a better state. I never thought I'd be pushed out because my mom's new husband doesn't like me. Which he doesn't.

My mother says he's intimidated by me, which I think is ridiculous for several reasons I'm too tired to enumerate. Suffice it to say that I am not a child - I can tell the difference between intimidation and aversion, and I smell the latter. How awkward is that? I always knew my mother would marry again, but I guess I thought she'd take a bit more time first. I guess I thought she'd end up with a man who could stand to be in the same room as me. I was wrong.

She seems happy enough. I suppose that ought to be enough, that I ought to be happy for her the way I'm happy for Roo. But it's different - very, very different. And selfish, I'll admit to that. I'm being selfish. I'm not proud of it. But the selfishness is there just the same.

With the crazy way things have been going, I am extra thankful for the stability that Roo has. The more time that passes, the more I am able to appreciate her exemplary parents and wonderful life. I mean, it's safe to say that things wouldn't be changing the way they are now if I'd not chosen adoption. But I can easily believe that there would be many other changes, and probably none of them good for Roo. How grateful I am for the life she has! I don't mean to imply that Roo would have been miserable and damaged if I'd parented her. She would have been fine, I'm sure of it. But instead, she's better than fine.

I think that, eventually, I will be too. Things just have to be a little crazy for a while. I'll get through it and be better for it. Hey, I've been through worse! This is kid stuff.

9 comments:

Mother of the Wild Boys said...

Jill...I just want to hug you. Are you a hugger? I can't remember if you said you are or not. Oh well, I guess anybody can be a cyber-hugger. ;)
I am so grateful that the Roo part of your life is at peace during this stressful time. I know you will come through this with flying colors, although I would be naive to say there won't be bumps along the way.
I hope I'm not out of line saying this...but I think you've been given the chance to focus on yourself now...instead of being the one who's there for your widowed mother, or the one who's sacrificing everything for a dear little girl....those parts of your life are moving in their own directions, now it's your job to focus on Jill. And I say Do it. You deserve to make a life of your own, in which you still care about those other parts, but they don't define you.
<3

BobandColista said...

Good for you for going back to school. I'm sorry that your mom's husband isn't more accepting and friendly and I hope things change for the better. I hope you have a great New Year!

Creek City Crafts said...

Read the book," loving what is" by byron katie it is just a suggestion. read a sum of it before you judge it. Good luck, Emily H.

Jill Elizabeth said...

I aspire to be a hugger. I mentioned hugging only once before that I know of, by way of explaining how awkward I am. I give awkward hugs. Cyber hugs sound safer, much less awkward :)

havilah & Jared said...

Yes, you have been through worse...although with Roo's adoption, you were able, to a great extent, to choose how to feel about things. You were an active part of the entire process, and now you're dealing with a situation for which you didn't ask and which you really can't control. (As if you don't know that! Sorry). But, it's another opportunity to grow closer to your Heavenly Father as you endure. As for school--good for you! Would love to hear more about both that and your job. Hopefully each will be fun and will ultimately make life richer and more rewarding. Love your blog!

Lara said...

When I read on Facebook about your mom's marriage, I thought it seemed out of the blue, but I figured I missed a FB post or a blog entry or something. And now it does seem a little sudden. It seems unfair. I know that this new husband can't replace your father for your mom, bust still, she has found a new husband...yet you can't just go find a new father. Sorry...that may be out of line for me to say. I can only imagine your struggle. It would be max weirdness. Congrats on your new place and job and school. I see a new leaf being turned. Good luck.

Jill Elizabeth said...

It's not out of line at all, Lara! I've thought the same thing a million times - it's great that she has a new husband, but I only got the one dad. And I guess it's weird for me to see how easily and completely my mom seems to have replaced my dad.

Sarah Buttenwieser said...

I see a woman (you) taking the path--regardless of how you ended up upon it--that's going to bring you a strong sense of self -- contentedness, peacefulness, etc. I am pulling for 2011 to be a wonderful, independent year (& I agree with you: your mom's marriage sounds sudden & like a bummer). I admire so much how you seem to make lemonade, though, out of some lemons many would find sour-er than sour.

Shian said...

Sorry your life is feeling like a mess right now. I hope the new year is better. Congratulations on your new job!