Thursday, November 19, 2009

Final Thoughts on H

I wanted to get out my "What I wish I could say to H" list and drop the subject for a while - and I will - but I had a few more thoughts on the whole sordid affair, and I have learned something, and I want to process that before I stick H back in my subconscious where he belongs.

I thought that something must be wrong with me, to have this sudden compulsion to look him up on-line. It had been two months and I hadn't cared a bit whether he was even alive or not. I thought that my actions were a sign I hadn't made any progress and that I had, in fact, been moving backwards. But I think I've got it figured out now. I think he came to my mind precisely because I have been making progress. Working through some of my issues with H are a sign that I'm moving forward. Were I not, I'd still be pretending he didn't exist.

What it came down to, I think, is that I needed to know three things about H. I wanted to know 1) if he ever seemed to think about or tangentially mention me or Roo, 2) whether he had changed at all - could he have been a good father after all? - and 3) whether he was seeing someone new.

The first is understandable. He hasn't contacted me since August 22nd. He never once asked me how Roo was, if she was healthy, how the birth went, or if she had any horrible defects from his alcohol-drenched DNA. The second is likewise reasonable. I haven't seen the man in a year now, when he pushed me out the door for saying no. Although what little communication has taken place this year hasn't been encouraging, I had this morbid curiosity about whether he has decided to grow up yet. And the third, I think, is perfectly normal for any woman who's been dumped. Has he found someone better yet? Does she look like me? Why her and not me? Et cetera. I hate that insecurity.

The answer to the first question seems to be maybe, just a little bit. Once specifically in the beginning of September and never again. Good to know where his priorities and affections lie: in the liquor department. The answer to the second is no, he hasn't changed a bit. I'm disappointed but not surprised. And the answer to the third seems to be a no as well. Did I screw him up emotionally? Good, I hope so. No less than he did to me.

I feel I'm in a good place now. I'm done with him again - I have been H-free on-line for nearly a week now. It feels good. My curiosity satisfied, I can once again move on with my life. I feel I'm in a pretty good place with things now. H will always occupy a brain cell or two, simply because we are forever connected by Roo. And I think I'm finally okay with that. I'm okay with not being okay with H. Does that make any sense?

I don't care if it makes sense. It makes emotional sense. H messed with my head, and I will never be the person I was before. But it's okay. I am ready to be done with him for good, as much as it's possible. I'm done letting him hurt me in absentia. Roo and I are both so much the better without him, and I am happy with the way things have turned out overall.

So thanks, H, for the donation of your DNA. No, really, thanks. And goodbye.

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