Thursday, November 12, 2009

Thoughts on H

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about H. I don’t know why. Maybe it’s because it was his birthday a few days ago. He’s 28 now. Maybe it’s because it’s coming up on a year since I’ve seen him. Maybe … I don’t know. But he’s been on my mind a lot, and I’m not sure I like it.

I want to be done with him. I want that part of my life to be over. I want to forget about him, forget that I ever knew him. But I can’t. Because no H = no Roo. Which I hate.

But then I wonder. Have I been unfair to him? He has never seen Roo. Ever. Some of that is his choice, because if he’d been nicer to me when I was pregnant things might have turned out differently, and I might have invited him to the hospital to see her, or something like that.

Then I think, how unbelievably hard would this all be on me if I never got to see Roo? I made the choice to have an open adoption. From H’s POV, it’s not open. I made that choice for him … but sort of based on choices he made earlier. I don’t know. It’s all a bit confusing.

But then, it’s like I said, it’s not as though he ever even held her for a second. I’d imagine that her existence is, to H, more … oh, I don’t know. Metaphorical or something. I don’t know. I feel like I have a hard time expressing myself properly where H is concerned. I can’t think straight.

Like last night. I knew I shouldn’t. I didn’t want to. I hesitated before clicking on. Did I really want to do this? The answer was no. After all, I hadn’t seen him in very nearly a year, and I hadn’t looked him up on-line since the end of August. When I chose to place Roo, I told myself that I was done with H, that I’d wasted enough time and mental energy on him. I told myself I was done.

But I am stupid, so I did it anyway. I checked H’s Twitter feed. If I’m totally honest, I have to admit that the impetus for me was an unquenchable curiosity about H’s love life, more specifically whether he has replaced me yet. It doesn’t look as though he has, which is fine by me because I think that if I can’t be in a happy relationship right now, neither can he. I want him to be lonely and miserable. So I clicked. Nothing new – same cursing and crude humor and immaturity. I mostly scanned. One Tweet did catch my attention, however. September 4th – “If I have a daughter, I want to meet her.”

Is it possible he wanted to be a father after all? I felt sort of bad reading that. Not bad as in, I wish I’d kept Roo and let H see her. Just … bad for him. Because his life probably hasn’t turned out the way he wanted it too either, and because maybe if things had been different for both of us, in that proverbial other life, we could have been happy together, and he could have been a good father. But I gave him plenty of chances at it when I was pregnant, I think, and he didn’t seem willing or interested.

I felt sort of sad about it at first, to be honest. Sort of guilty for … well, for whatever. But then last night, I was thinking about it again, and I got a bit indignant. Because he never told me, never once, that he wanted to meet her. He never said or typed or texted those words to me, not once.

One could argue that I should have known, that he shouldn’t have had to tell me, that it’s common sense. Of course he wanted to meet her, right? But he never gave me that impression. He never gave me any clues that he was the least bit interested in me during my pregnancy, and right after Roo was born and he found out, he didn’t ask if she was healthy or how she was doing or how I was doing or anything. It was all threats and anger and legalese. He never said to me, “Look, she’s my daughter. I’d at least like to see her, to hold her.” He never said any of that. And it angers me, in retrospect. It irks me that he couldn’t put his problems with me aside long enough to express care or concern for our baby. That tells me exactly how mature he isn’t.

Ugh. I’m sick of thinking about him. I don’t want to think about him. I don’t want him in my head. I want to be done with him. It’s been a year since I’ve seen him, why can’t I be done with him? I worry that I will never be done with him, and I hate him for it. I’m not sure what to do to get him out of my head for good. I find that in odd moments I have this compulsion to call him or text him or go to his apartment. Make him talk, make him say something to prove to me that he does care, that he is capable of feelings like a normal human being.

How grateful I am that Roo isn’t in the middle of this mess. And she never will be. Her mommy and daddy are in love and they love her. She will never have cause to wonder about either of those things. What a blessing to her. And what a blessing to me to know that she’s sheltered from my emotional turmoil. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone, especially my sweet Roo. She deserves so much better. I’m glad she’s getting it.

1 comment:

Lara said...

I saw your blog through The R House yesterday and then you left a comment on my blog today. :) I like reading about your story and your experience as a birth mom. If our birth mom had internet access, I would tell her to read your blog! Thanks for sharing and keep at it. :)