Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Insecure and Lost

I checked the Google Analytics for this blog this morning. I always like to see what keywords people searched for that led them to my blog. One person found me by Googling "feeling insecure and lost" which made me raise an eyebrow. I suppose it's entirely possible that I've used that phrase before but if I have I don't remember. It was also an eyebrow-raiser because lost and insecure are two words that describe how I've been feeling today.

I still have bad days - plenty of bad days, if I'm honest. I prefer to put on a brave face most days but the fact is that things still suck quite a bit of the time, and I just want to give up and crawl back into bed. Today was one of those days. I have felt distinctly discouraged, from the time I woke up this morning from a horrible dream, to a few minutes ago when I happened upon one of Roo's soft toys.

I've missed Roo today. A lot. I think that it's yesterday that did it - telling my story all day long brought a lot of emotions up that I'd had buried for a few weeks. I miss seeing her and holding her. I miss knowing funny little things about her and about her day, what cute things she's done, seeing fleeting emotions cross her little face. I even miss changing diapers. It's a funny thing, because I don't soo much miss the Roo of today, the Roo whose parents are P and M, but I miss the Roo who was my Roo. I miss being a mommy. I don't feel like I'm ever going to get a chance at that again.

Gosh, I miss her. It hurts - it hurts so bad! I'm tired of hurting. I've been hurting for years. Where are all those awesome blessings I was promised for doing right by Roo? When will the tide finally turn my way? I feel like all of my efforts lately have been for nothing. Nothing has changed. Nothing is better. I want to just quit. At everything.

I'm starting to feel like I'm wasting time blogging, too. I hate feeling this insecure but that doesn't keep me from feeling insecure. I've lost a few followers lately and there are several websites that used to link to me that don't anymore. What did I do? I wonder. Have I offended people? Am I boring? I like to think I write well but I guess I'm not everyone's cup of tea. I'm not blogging for acclaim or attention but I do like to hear every now and then that I'm appreciated, that I'm doing okay. That I've made a difference. I don't feel like I'm making a difference. I feel like placing Roo is the only good thing I've ever done in my life, and that it's going to be the only good thing I ever do. I don't think any of the kids I spoke to yesterday got a thing out of my presentation. S asked some of them what they'd learned and no one could come up with anything. It made me angry and sad at the same time. Hadn't I said one single thing that stuck with any of them? Am I wasting my time presenting? Does it matter to anyone on earth but my mother that I exist at all?

Ugh. I hate sounding so juvenile and needy. I don't want people to think that I want attention or that I'm fishing for complements. I'm not. I'm just feeling frustrated and slightly invisible. I was standing with a group of people yesterday and after about ten minutes, someone said, "Oh, Jill, I didn't realize you were there." Am I invisible? I'm not overly talkative in public (unless I get going on something) but I don't think that alone should be enough to render me invisible. I hate feeling invisible, unnoticed. I hate feeling that it doesn't make a difference whether I'm there or not, that my presence has no impact on the space around me.

I don't even know if I'm going to post this. I hate sounding so insecure and lost and ... blah. I'm tired of crying. Am I too negative? Is that the problem? Should I try to be happier, to write happier things? I'm certainly not attempting to be miserable, but I don't always focus on the positive. I worry that that's what repels people from me. I worry all the time that I was far too depressed when I wrote right after placement, that I sort of ruined things for P and M at first, that they couldn't enjoy having Roo because I was in such a bad place. I hope I didn't ruin things. I'm tired of ruining things.

I hate looking into schools and applying for jobs. Aside from the fact that I can't even get an interview, it just feels wrong somehow. This isn't what I should be doing. I'm 26! I should be staying at home with my children. I should be a mom. That's what I want to do - not school, not a job. Mothering. That's all I've ever wanted. Will I ever have a chance again? What can I do?

I'm at a loss. Maybe things will look better in the morning.


Unknown said...

I know your frustrated, but please don't end your blog!!!! There is no way what you are going through is easy. NONE!!! The rewards may not be immediate, but I know you will have some. You did what you knew was best. You completed a family that would not of been able to be completed without you. BELIEVE ME!! They are truly thankful for you every second and respect the open adoption. I love reading your blog, it seems as if that has matured you so much beyond your years. There will be days you have doubt.

Que and Brittany's Adoption Journey said...

Oh don't feel bad that the kids couldn't come up with anything that they've learned. That's just how they act at that age. I know you gave them a lot to think about!

Savannah said...

I love reading your blog, I'm so glad I found it. In a way, I need to read about your pain and suffering, I hope it will give us a better understanding of our birth mom when we adopt. I'm sorry it's so hard for you, I wish there was a way to help. Lots of love!

BobandColista said...

You may never know how your story has impacted a person. Some day one of the students in your presentation class may find themselves in a similar situation to yours and they will remember your story and find hope and strength.

Keep it up!