Monday, November 9, 2009

Two Months

I can remember exactly what I was doing two months ago today. September 9th, 2009, the shortest day of my life. I was sitting where I am now, on the couch in the living room. My computer is on my lap right now, but two months ago, Roo was there instead.

I was giving her a bottle and she was looking up at me with those big blue eyes, preternaturally wise. She seemed to know that something was going to happen that day. I think she knew the day before as well. Roo is a very mellow baby, but she was even more so on the 8th and 9th. Almost as though she knew I needed that time to be peaceful and calm. Normally Roo would have gotten sick of me holding her and she'd have fussed until I put her down for a little wiggle time. Not so on Tuesday and Wednesday. I scarcely put her down those two days. My arms ached from the constant weight of her but I refused to put her down. I knew my time to hold her as her mommy was finite, and I wasn't going to miss a second of it.

On the morning of the 9th, Roo woke up hungry at 8am. We'd both slept for four hours, 4am being Roo's preferred bedtime. I gave her a bottle and burped her and rocked her to sleep. I was tired but I couldn't bring myself to put her back in her crib. I got back in my bed, Roo still in my arms, and held her as she slept for the next four hours. Tired as I was, I couldn't fall back asleep. I knew I could sleep later, would sleep later. This time was precious. I tried to memorize the exact feel of her in my arms, the weight of her, the sound of her soft breath, the feel of her silky skin and hair, the curve of her cheek, the shape of her nose.

That is one of my favorite memories from my time as a mommy. I will treasure those quiet hours for the rest of my life. My arms feel empty just thinking about it. I think I'd give the world to have just another minute like that with her.

I haven't seen Roo in two weeks. It will be three at my next visit, which is this weekend, maybe. I've never gone so long without seeing her. It's hard. Hard, too, is the drop in e-mail and pictures from P and M. I used to hear from them several times a week. Now seven or eight days will pass without a word. When I was Roo's mommy, I swear I spent half the day taking pictures of her sweet little face. It's hard to go from that to a couple of pictures a month.

Oh, how I miss that little girl! Has it really been only two months since she was my baby? It seems like an eternity. She's changed so much since then. So have I. Both of us for the better, to be sure, but in my case there's some bad with the good. I've struggled with depression my whole life. I wonder now if those respites from the pain that I would get when my medications were adjusted perfectly, or when I made breakthroughs in therapy, are a thing of the past. If because I placed Roo, I will always, always have this undercurrent of sadness that I've had for the past two months. Will I ever feel whole again? I hope so. I hope that I can make something of myself and my life. I try. I try, because I want Roo to be proud of me, to be glad that I am her birth mom. I don't want her to think that placing her destroyed me and feel guilty for it.

Somehow, some way, I will learn to be happy, I will do something with my life. I will make her proud. I placed her not for me, but for her. And if I have to make something of myself for the same reason, I'll do it. I will make sure that when she's older, she knows that I've had a good life not because I placed her (because I feel I'd have had a better life had I kept her because I love her so), but in spite of it.

I am tired and my heart aches and I want to crawl back in bed and cry. But I won't. I'll get my exercise for the day, eat my veggies, and go to my ward FHE tonight. Not for me or for my sake. I'll do it for Roo.

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