Friday, December 25, 2009


It's Christmas. Merry Christmas, blog people!

I got my gift early this year - in July. P and M got theirs in September. So, by extension, did Roo.

I miss that little girl. I mourn the loss of the things I had planned, the life I had planned with Roo. I love the presents my mother got for me, but I would have traded all of them in a second to have Roo here instead. But I love her. I wanted her to have more. So I don't have her here.

I miss her. I wonder what her first Christmas was like. What fun, bright toys she got. If she tried to eat the wrapping paper. If she had on special Christmas jammies, or a dress. Maybe a red bow on her head, or a little Santa hat. Did P and M buy a Baby's First Christmas ornament for her? Was Roo captivated by the pretty lights on the tree?

Today's been rough. I knew it would be. I'm anxious for it to be over. Strange to think that a year ago Roo was the size of a strawberry. Now she is a happy, healthy 5-month-old. I hope she had a happy day. I bet she did. She's such a mellow, cheerful baby. She's worth my misery. She's worth the pain. She has a wonderful life, with a mommy and daddy and big sister who love her. She is sealed to them. That, too, is an early present I got. Roo has what I wanted most in the world for her. Nothing else matters.

1 comment:

Unknown said...

We called our birth mom today. She's in a crummy situation. She and her husband do not live together for logistical reasons (they're not divorcing or anything) and their daughter lives with him. Her two other boys are currently in foster care. Anyway, when we talked to her, she was having a hard time and was in tears. Her husband and daughter didn't come over like promised and she didn't get to talk to her boys. A Christmas totally alone. But she said she got strength and happiness and hope out of the fact that she KNEW Jocelyn had an amazing Christmas. She's our Christmas angel this year (and forever, honestly). I know you're P and M's Christmas angel too.