I have a new niece today. I'm sure she's darling. My sister's other two children were nothing short of adorable at birth, managing to avoid that squishy newborn look. My sister sounds good - a lot more clear-headed and coherent than I did after my c-section. I'm afraid I sounded horribly awkward on the phone. I don't know what I said. I hope my congratulations sounded sincere. I am happy for her, really.
And yet, I find myself being selfish again. I find myself comparing today to the day that Roo was born. I think, it must be nice to have people just be happy for you after you've had a baby. It must be nice for people to just be excited and delighted. I got worry. I got people praying that I would decide to let someone else take my baby home from the hospital.
I hate that. I hate that almost no one was excited for me. I hate that so few people were simply, purely happy that I had a baby. I hate ... oh, I hate feeling this way. I hate that I can't just be happy. I hate being so selfish and juvenile and petty. But it's nigh impossible for me not to compare today with that day eight months ago, and find people's reactions to the latter sadly lacking. I think, even though people thought I was making a mistake, couldn't they at least have been happy that this beautiful, perfect, delightful little girl came into the world?
I love how purely and utterly happy Roo's family was and is to have her. She was nothing short of a miracle for them - desperately wanted, daily prayed for, and unconditionally loved. Roo deserves that. But I think she deserved that all along, and I wish I'd felt that for her when she was born. I'm glad to know that she was prayed for even then. I'm sure than P and M prayed daily for their baby to find them. They wanted her even before they knew about her. Of course, I did, too. I just ... I'm losing my train of thought.
I'm jealous, I think, is what it comes down to. I'm jealous at how much happier my new niece's birthday is than Roo's was. I wish that people could have put their opinions and prejudices aside and just been happy for Roo to be born, regardless of the circumstances. She deserved better. And so did I.
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5 comments:
It's hard to be jealous.
This comment may be eight months late, but CONGRATULATIONS, JILL on bringing a beautiful baby girl into the world and for having such a brave and loving heart!
I can relate...in a backwards way. When Joci was born, well, we weren't there. We got a phone call. We were excited beyond measure. Part of us knew that it wouldn't be over until the ink dried. But we felt good about it and good about our birth parents.
And our families were excited too...but they were holding their breath. I could tell. It wasn't good enough when we got to see her and hold her. It wasn't good enough when we got to take her home. It wasn't even good enough when parental rights were relinquished. It took 8 months for it to be good enough - finalizing in court and being sealed.
In the end, we have a beautiful baby and the love and support of our families, but like you, I always imagined the day I became a mother to be a little more traditional. Flowers. Stuffed bears. Phone calls from all over.
I'm sorry. I can't imagine how hard it is to keep perspective with your sister's baby.
I'm sorry. It makes perfect sense that you'd be sad. Your dear girl had every right to be celebrated from the beginning. And I don't think it's selfish or juvenile. I think its raw, honest grief.
I'm sorry you didn't have the love and support and excitement that you should have back when Roo was born (I can't believe she's 8 months old!!! Go Roo!!). I think the birth of any healthy, happy and loved baby should be celebrated to the fullest!
I am sorry that you felt like no one was excited for baby Roo's birth. I would have been happy for you. I would have brought gifts for both you and baby (I have always felt that the woman who gave birth is left out once the baby is born).
When I was pregnant with my son I called to tell my mother-in-law the news. She asked when I was due and when I told her her response was "that is a long time away". Umm, yeah, it was 8 months away! My husband is an only child, Robbie will be her only grandchild and that is how she reacted to the news! My parents (and this was their 35th grandchild) were thrilled knowing that I suffered from infertility. It blew me away that J was not thrilled about a coming baby. As it was we didn't even tell her the baby was here until he was 6 weeks old.
Every baby is special and deserves to be recognized as such. It takes so much love and heartache to do what is best for your child. When the doctors finally decided that for my health I needed to be induced a month early I hated not knowing if it was best for my son. I hated knowing that I was making him be born early. It was a good decision in the end but a hard one to make at the time.
I have a friend who's baby died at 9 days, she doesn't feel like a mother either - both of you are incredibly strong women and you are both MOTHERS!
Big hugs (I wish I could give one to you in person).
Margaret
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