Monday, September 21, 2009

Blessings

Yesterday was Roo's first Sunday at church.

I got pictures of her in her cute little dress. She looked adorable! Of course, I happen to think that Roo would look cute in just about anything because she is so pretty.

I don't think Roo would have gone to church yesterday if she was still with me. Where would I have gone? I would have felt too awkward to go to my singles ward. But I don't think I would have felt any more comfortable in my mom's ward, either. I'm sure I would have gone back to church eventually, but with Roo, I'm not sure how long it would have been. It would have been easier to just stay home.

In a few months (well, more like six months, but still) Roo will be blessed in church. I'm not sure how that would have worked out if I'd kept her. I guess my brother would have blessed her. But who would have stood up there with him? I'm not sure. I think I would have cried, but for the wrong reasons. Not because I was happy that Roo was being blessed, but because she had no father to do the honors.

I am so thankful that Roo has a mommy and a daddy who will take her to church every Sunday. She will never have to feel awkward or uncomfortable at church because of the circumstances of her birth. She has a daddy who loves her, who will give her a name and a blessing - a father's blessing. How special that will be!

She is already so blessed to have such amazing parents who love her so dearly. And I am blessed by her being in P and M's family. They are the most awesome people I know, and they are so good to me. I will forever be grateful to my Heavenly Father for guiding me to them.

The gospel of Jesus Christ is such an amazing thing. I have seen it change lives. It has changed mine. And, thanks to the miracle that is adoption, it will change Roo's life. I love to picture her at three years old, walking hand-in-hand with her big sister to primary on Sunday. I like to imagine her learning to pray; singing a hymn with her family during Family Home Evening; saying a few simple lines during the primary program in church; learning Book of Mormon stories from her parents.

Roo's parents will make sure that she knows she is a precious daughter of God, that she has infinite worth, that her life has a plan and a purpose. Would she have learned that if I'd kept her? I'm sure she would have. But she would have so many questions - about her birth, about her father, about the decisions I've made in my life, about her own self-worth. I don't want her to ever doubt for a moment that she is loved and wanted. And I can't imagine that, had I kept her, she wouldn't wonder, at least once or twice whether she was a mistake, whether I resented her and the course my life had taken because I was her mother. I'm not sure I would ever be able to convince her otherwise.

One of the first things my therapist said after I told him I was pregnant was that humans make mistakes - God does not. Roo was not a mistake. A surprise, yes, but never a mistake. She was born (to me) for a reason. P and M needed her! She was meant to be theirs, but God needed her to get to them in a non-traditional way. I am thankful every day that P and M are Roo's parents. Because of them, both Roo and I are blessed more than I can ever say.

1 comment:

audra said...

Jill,

I just found and read this entire blog. You are amazing and even though you sound sad (and for obvious good reason), strangely you sound happier than you were last time I saw you. Thanks for sharing your story, the good AND the bad. You have my utmost respect and admiration for having the courage and strength to do what you did for Ruby.

Audra