Thursday, September 17, 2009

Where I'm At

I miss my baby.

That's nothing new. I miss her every second of every day.

But it feels a little different today. I think I'm getting used to missing her, even if just a little bit. It's strange that it's only been a week. It seems like it's been a month, at least. But it's been a week, and I will see my Roo tomorrow!

I have had good moments and bad moments. I'm not sleeping as well as I'd like, and certain things will set me off into an uncontrollable fit of tears - a basket full of tiny unwashed laundry, the pile of blank thank-you notes for my baby shower, Roo's empty crib. I have not been able to sleep in my room since Roo was placed, actually. The empty crib a few feet from my bed is too much for me - and yet, I can't bring myself to unscrew it and store it away.

But there are good moments as well. When I get e-mail and pictures from P and M, for instance. That tiny girl is getting so much love and attention, it's overwhelming. There are so many people who love her, so many people who have prayed for years for her to be a part of their family. And there are people praying for me, which is also overwhelming. I feel like I have been so moody and ungrateful throughout this process that I am unworthy of any prayers on my behalf. I don't feel like I deserve to have any peace or happiness about this. I have had too many moments where I sob and wail that I made a mistake, that I never should have placed my sweet baby, that I don't know what to do without her.

It's true. I don't know what to do without her. Between my pregnancy and the nine weeks I had her, I feel that I have been Roo's mother forever. I don't know who I am without her, and I feel at times that I am simply too distraught to figure it out. I miss her too much to move on. And yet, move on I must.

Because I don't want this to destroy me, to be the only thing that defines me. I want to be a mommy again, and so I go to church, to FHE, to institute. I try hard to have faith that the right man for me is out there somewhere and that I will find him and have a little replacement Roo - one I can keep this time.

It is harder to have that kind of faith than I could ever possibly explain. But in the moments that I have not had that faith and hope, I have been more depressed than I thought I could bear. And so I will have hope, and faith, and I will be and do what the Lord wants for me.

And I will think of Roo, and the wonderful blessings she will receive from my sacrifice - blessings too numerous to even imagine.

No comments: