Saturday, September 12, 2009

The Upside of My Down

I feel like I have been overly negative for the past few days.

I am allowed, certainly. I was the mommy of a beautiful, sweet baby girl for nine weeks, and now she has a different mommy. How could I not be devastated? How can I not grieve?

But I don't want to be swallowed up in my misery. I don't want it to define me or my decision. So what I am going to do now, just to remind myself, is talk about how absolutely amazing this adoption really is.

A few weeks ago, during dinner, M said to me, "I couldn't be a mom without you." That really got to me. She is the most amazing person, and the thought of her never being a mommy really got to me. I can't imagine how hard and heartbreaking the road must have been that led M and P to adoption. To know that I am the answer to their prayers is humbling. They were an answer to my prayers as well. It amazes me how our Father in Heaven finds ways for his precious children to end up with the families he has chosen for them.

And I absolutely believe that Roo was meant to be with P and M. As much as I miss her, as much as I ache to be her mother, I know - I know - that she is with her mommy and daddy. She wasn't meant to be my baby. She is theirs.

I am thankful for the prayers on my behalf that helped me to make the right decision. I know that I will be blessed immeasurably for my sacrifice.

But more importantly, Roo will be blessed. She is already. My sweet Roo now has a mommy and daddy who love each other, who married in the temple, and who will have her sealed to them. She will be part of an eternal family! She has a big sister who already loves her, and lots and lots of cousins and aunts and uncles who will make sure she is never lonely and that she has a smile or a cuddle if she needs it.

She will go to primary and learn about Jesus. She will sing in church on Father's Day without wondering why she doesn't have a daddy. She has a mommy whose only job is to be a mommy. She has her own room! She will learn the gospel and her chances will be that much better to return to her Father in Heaven.

And while I feel that no one on earth could love her more than I can (her mom and dad can only love her just as much), love simply isn't enough. I want more for Roo than love. And she will have so much more, because I love her enough to let her go.

Roo is going to have the most amazing life! I am so excited for her. I hope and pray that my life will be just as amazing.

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