So ...

I know I need to get back to my story - not just for the sake of blog continuity, but for my own therapeutic purposes - but I don't have it in me lately. Every day now is the last of its kind with my baby Roo. My last Wednesday night, my last Thursday, my last Friday with her. Time is slipping away quicker than I can say. When I made the decision to place Roo, September 9th seemed so far away. Two weeks would never pass. And now I've got less than a week, and so many things I still want to do - outfits to put on Roo, pictures to take, letters to write. There will never be enough time for it all.

There will never be enough time, period. Because I had so many plans that will never be. Milestones that will not be mine to share, smiles for Mommy that I will never see. I have an outfit for Roo that I was saving for my birthday. I was going to take her for walks when the weather cools. I was going to take her to the mall, to the zoo, to Disneyland. There are stories I was going to read to her, things I was going to teach her, presents I was going to buy for her. When I think that I will wake up alone on my birthday - whenever my body wants to wake up, not because of a coo or a cry or cheerful baby babble - my throat burns.

This all seems so unfair! She is my baby, my precious girl. It seems so wrong that I am to hand her to P and M, to sign a paper that says I am no longer her mother. How can I not be her mother any more? It's only been two months but I already feel that I don't know how to do anything but be Roo's mommy. I don't know who I am without her. I think of all the irresponsible young women I know of, single women, who got to keep their babies. I know I am a better mother than any of them. Why are they allowed the precious responsibility of motherhood and I am not?

My faith feels shaky. I have to remind myself over and over why I am doing this. If I loved my baby less I could justify single motherhood. But I love her so desperately that I can only do the very best for her, as much as it kills me. I don't like thinking about it. I don't like the thought that doing what is best takes me out of the picture. It hurts.

I try to remind myself that it's not just me that's out of the picture with adoption. It is H, and his harmful influence. Keeping Roo for myself would mean exposing her to H's influence, and I can only begin to imagine the harm that could do. She is too precious, too special.

I just wish that knowing I was doing the right thing made it easier to do the right thing. I wish that doing the right thing didn't hurt so much. But if it comes down to me hurting now or Roo hurting later, there's no question that I have to say goodbye.