Sunday, September 13, 2009

Missing Roo

I don't even know if I should write this, but it's what's in my heart, and I am trying to be completely honest with myself (and any blog readers) about the whole adoption experience, so here goes.

I have been fasting and praying all day for comfort. I have found none. I have been restless and discontent all day, and my feeling at the moment is a horrible one - that I have made a terrible, terrible mistake. I should never have placed my baby.

I miss her terribly. All I want in the world is to have my baby back. I try to remind myself why I made the decision I did ... and I start to wonder, was it my decision after all? Was I overly influenced by my mother, or by my counselor at LDSFS? I never, never wanted to place her initially. And when I found out that H would have rights, I was devastated. Crushed. I felt I had no choice but to place my beautiful baby.

How I wish I could take it all back! Take Roo back. I miss her so awfully. It's eating me up inside. I wish I could go back in time one week and keep all this from happening. Keep from placing her. Keep Roo with me. I wish the law was different, but I know what I signed. The second I put my name on the line, she ceased to be my baby. I have no rights to her. I can't take her back, take it back, change my mind.

My mother asks me all the time if there's anything she can do for me. I don't know what to say. Can she get me my baby back? No, she can't. So what on earth could she possibly do for me? It is her fault that my Roo is gone in the first place. She told me I couldn't keep her. She said we couldn't afford her. She made me do this. I think I hate her for it. I think that, if my mother had simply kept her trap shut, I'd still have my baby with me, and I'd still be happy. My mother made my choice for me. How can I not be angry?

All I want in the world is to have my Roo. My baby. It would help, I think, if I had some hope of ever having a child again. But H is the only man who ever took an interest in me. I have no hope of marriage. No man wanted me before, when I was still a good girl, before I broke the law of chastity. Who on earth would want me now?

And I think H did something to my head, because I feel like I don't want a husband. I don't feel like I can trust men. I don't think I can ever not be suspicious of a man's motives towards me. I don't want a husband, which is fine because I will probably never have one. But I want a baby! I want my baby ... I don't want some hypothetical future baby with some man who probably won't even love me. I want the baby I had, the baby I grew and carried and birthed and cared for and loved. I want my Roo, my sweet, beautiful Roo. She is the baby I want.

And she's gone. What am I supposed to do with my life now? I don't want to do anything with my life. All I ever wanted was to be a mother, and that dream has been denied me. Why should I bother to dress in the morning? To eat? To get out of bed? Oh, if only there were some way to reverse the paperwork, to take back my signature, to take back my daughter,

All I want in the world is the one thing I can never have back. I feel destroyed.

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