Saturday, September 12, 2009

What to do?

My mom just left for the temple. As she was at the door, she said, "Okay, I'm off. I love you and ..."

She was going to say, "You and Roo." She just let her statement trail off awkwardly.

"You were going to say 'and Roo,' weren't you?" I asked.

She bit her lip. "Yes," she said.

"I wish Roo was here to say goodbye to," I said.

And I do. Gosh, how I do. I miss her so much it hurts. I don't know what to do with myself, with my hands, with my time. I got a new book yesterday and read it in a few hours, even with as much time as I spent on the computer. What am I supposed to do without my sweet Roo?

I know what I need to do. I need to wash and organize all of Roo's tiny outfits and put them away into the latching storage totes my mom bought. But I don't know if I'm ready yet.

I feel sort of silly waiting. I certainly don't need to keep baby clothes sitting out, taking up space. There is no baby in my home to wear them. But if I wash them, fold them, and store them away, I feel like I am saying, this is it, she is gone, and although I know she is, I can't bear to see a sign of the finality. And it will be too hard to fold things she wore, picturing her in each tiny outfit, and knowing she will never wear it again.

At the same time, I wish I could snap my fingers and make all of my Roo-things disappear. Every time I set foot in my bedroom, I lose it, because of the sight of the empty crib. The sheets are still wrinkled from where Roo slept there last, and I can't bear it. I wonder how long it will be before I can go into my room without crying. I wonder how long the grief will be this fresh, this painful, this unbearable.

As it stands, I've fallen into a funk. No, let's call it what it is - a depression. I have been in my pajamas since Wednesday night, and I've hardly eaten. I have little appetite, and no reason to get dressed. I am tired, but I can't relax, I can't sleep without a sedative. How long am I going to feel this way? How long until I feel I can move on with my life?

This would be easier if I could see into the future, if I could see the wonderful blessings everyone says I must surely be in store for. If I could see how soon I will end up married and having a replacement Roo.

I don't want a replacement Roo. I want the Roo I had.

My only consolation is that Roo is thriving with her mom and dad. They are taking the very best care of her, and she is happy and loved and sleeping well and eating well and doing as well as ever I could have hoped. I've prayed over and over that Roo will know she is with her mommy and daddy, and that she will be happy there. That prayer is being answered.

I just wish that my prayers for comfort and peace were answered so quickly, so surely, so obviously. But I am determined to pull through. For Roo's sake. I want to be someone she can be proud of. I don't know yet how I'll manage that, but I'll figure it out.

Just as soon as I can figure out what I am supposed to do - with my life, with my future, with the rest of today.

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