Wednesday, September 16, 2009

One Week

It's been a week.

One week ago tonight I placed my Roo with her mommy and daddy.

How has it only been a week? I swear it's been months now. I swear, it's been a lifetime since I held her, since I kissed her soft cheeks and tiny nose.

But the calendar says it's been a week, one single week.

In many ways, this has been the longest, and the worst, week of my entire life. I have never been so lost, or so lonely, or so depressed. I thought that the pain would recede with each passing day, but I find that it gets more acute as time passes. The longer I am without Roo, the more painfully undeniable it becomes that she is gone; that she is no longer my baby. Each day stretches ahead of me, interminable and without purpose. What do I do without my Roo? What am I supposed to do to occupy my time, my mind, my heart?

But in other ways, I think, I have learned something - I have become a better person because of my loss. More compassionate, more patient. I have learned things about myself and what I can endure. I certainly wish that I could have learned these things some other way. That I could have become more compassionate by being a single mother. But then, it wasn't until I had Roo - and placed her - that I learned just how much, how deeply I want to be a mother.

It has always been a goal of mine, an ambition. I have never had any lofty aspirations as far as a career goes. All I ever wanted out of life was to marry and be a mother. But it wasn't until I had Roo that I realized just how important it was to me, how vital, how crucial. And I was a wonderful mother!

My biggest fear now, I think, is that I will never have another chance to be a mother. H is the only man who has ever been interested in me. I worry that I will never marry - what man would want me? - and that I have given up my only chance to have a child of my own. I have been praying that I will meet a good man who will understand about Roo, who will love me for who I am, and who will understand that the things I have been through in the past are what made me who I am today. I hope he's out there somewhere. If you are reading this, please help me find a husband :o)

I have had such a ride on this first Roo-free week. I wonder, as hard as this has been, how will I endure the second week? The third? The fourth? The rest of my life?

I pray. I try to have faith, to have hope. And I try to remember my sweet Roo, the reason I have broken my own heart. I want so much for her, more for her than I could ever give her.

And I will see her on Friday! I can't wait. I got a picture via e-mail today and it was so good to see that sweet, chubby little face. I know it will be good for me to see how happy she is, how she's thriving with her parents.

I made it one week. I can make it another. I will. I will, for Roo.


Cami said...

Glad you made it through the week, and you have found many positives.
I have been thinking about you.
I want you to know that I love you, and that many of the feelings you have I have had or do have.
Faith, hope, and determination help me through the bad ones.
I can't wait to hear how your visit goes.
Enjoy yourself tomorrow.

BobandColista said...

I wish I could find a loving husband for you. I can however, pray that the light at the end of the tunnel will appear more quickly than you imagined.