Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Thoughts of the day

I miss my baby.

I haven't gotten any RooMail yet today. I wonder if I will.

I hope P and M know that there doesn't have to be news to write to me. I am fascinated by the littlest things - how many ounces is she eating (even if they just told me two days ago)? How much is she sleeping? Does she seem to have grown? Does she have any new fat rolls? Is she talking much? Fussing much? Have any new people said how gorgeous she is? Has she lost any more hair? Grown any more hair?

I want to know everything. Every second of every day, I want to know.

I had an odd moment yesterday where I almost forgot her face. I spent an hour going through every picture I've ever taken of her, re-memorizing each tiny feature, each eyelash, each fat roll and dimple.

And I cried, because she is no longer mine to photograph. I put up her picture here yesterday and then worried that P and M might be mad, because she isn't mine to post pictures of. But she is a newborn, her looks change quickly. I don't think that one photograph would be enough to violate their privacy. I hope not. I just thought it was the sweetest picture of her, with her big blue eyes and worried eyebrows and soft cheeks.

I wish I could hold her, just for a minute. I might see her on Friday. I can't wait. I don't know where we will meet. At a restaurant? I won't be able to eat. I will sit there instead, and hold her.

Roo has such a wonderful life. I just wish it was with me. I just wish my life was just as wonderful, just as quickly. I have started praying very specifically that I can meet a good man who will marry me. I have never before wanted to be a mother as acutely as I do now. I want to get married and have lots of replacement Roos. Not that I could ever replace her. But I have told Heavenly Father that I want a clone of Roo for my next child, because she is so sweet and pretty and perfect. I think I deserve that. I deserve a replacement Roo.

And I think I am finally starting to realize that I deserve a good husband, too. I just wish I knew where he is! I wish I could see into my future just a tiny bit, and know how long I am going to have to wait to be a mommy again. The wait seems interminable, and long, and lonely.

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