Thursday, September 24, 2009

Good night? If only ...

I miss my baby. I miss my baby, and I am miserable.

I think I would have been okay if I hadn't walked into a sharp corner and bruised my bicep. One second I was headed to the bathroom to brush my teeth and the next second the corner of a large framed painting was ripping into my arm. It didn't break the skin but I could feel the flesh tearing underneath, the blood rushing to the wound, and pooling, forming a fresh bruise.

I dropped to the floor, letting out gasps, sobs, yelps. Tears bloomed in my eyes. The pain was excruciating. Oh, if only I hadn’t walked into the frame. I think I would have been able to hold it together tonight.

But sometimes the mind just needs an excuse to let go, and a minute later I wasn't crying because of my arm. I was crying because I miss my baby desperately, because this has been the worst two weeks of my life, because all I ever wanted in life was to be a mom and even that has been taken from me. It's hard not to feel like I have nothing left, nothing going for me.

I'll be 26 in a month, and I have never been on a date. I don't have any friends. How on earth am I supposed to have hope that I will ever marry and be a mother again? Every married birth mother I know met her husband while she was pregnant. The only person I met when I was pregnant was my ward's new Relief Society president.

I wonder what's wrong with me that I've never been asked out. I wonder what's wrong with me that I don't have any friends. H was a fluke. If I'm honest, I wasn't as devastated as I should have been to find out that I was pregnant, because I figured then (as I do now) that it was my best shot at motherhood. I don't know what I'm going to do now.

I hate that I'm worrying about this at nearly 3am. I wish I could just relax and go to bed. But my arm hurts, my head is throbbing, and I've never been able to relax. And where would I sleep? There's nowhere in the house that doesn't make my sadness worse. There is nowhere that doesn't remind me of Roo. Everything that reminds me of her hurts. Everything reminds me of her. Everything hurts. I miss her so badly. I feel like I am missing a part of my body.

I keep thinking, if placing Roo was the right thing to do, why has this been the worst two weeks of my entire life? Why is this so hard for me? I'm supposed to get these amazing, awesome blessings. Where are they? Where is one teeny-tiny blessing? The only good thing that's happened lately is that I got a good parking space the other day, and if that's God's idea of blessing me for my sacrifice, I give up. I need more than that. I need something amazing and awesome. I need something I can look at and say, yes, God has blessed me, He cares.

I wish I had something like that. I wish I had hope. I wish desperately that I had hope, that I had some inkling that things were going to get better, be better. But it's so hard to have hope when I can't even fall asleep.

1 comment:

LDS Family Services Birth Parent Support Group said...

Just because something is right, doesn't mean it will be easy or even feel good. The things we derive our greatest blessings from generally require the most sacrifice. I hope you are having a better day, you have countless people and angels cheering for you to come through alright!