Monday, September 7, 2009

The notebook

I am feeling much better now. Certainly better than I did earlier.

My mom cuddled with Roo while I started writing in the notebook I got. I filled page after page with instructions and information about Roo, things that P and M will need to know - what brand of formula Roo takes, her schedule, her sensitive skin, her personality. I listed my family health history and wrote out how Roo came to have her name.

The fact that I had so much to say made me feel like a good mother. I know this little girl so well. And for some reason, that made me feel so much better about the choice I've made. I don't delude myself that this is going to be easy in any sense of the word. But I will get through this, and I will be a better person for it.

I am not going to let the loss of my baby ruin me. I will not let it destroy me. I will forever have a Roo-shaped hole in my heart, but I can live with that. I am going to do the best I can to turn my life around, to make something of myself so that I will be the sort of person that Roo can be proud of. I want her to have the best life possible. Why shouldn't I want the same for myself? I do want the same for myself, and I want to be worthy of the amazing blessings that Heavenly Father has in store for me for my sacrifice.

I can do this!

1 comment:

elise said...

A Roo-shaped hole...this is so sad, but it still made me smile. You are a wonderful author!