Monday, October 5, 2009

Another First (and a bit of introspection)

Today, I glanced in the backseat of the car and saw Roo's car seat.

And I did not cry. I felt sad, but the pain was bearable.

You're probably wondering why her car seat is still in the car, nearly a month after placement. I haven't been able to take it out yet. I'm not sure where I'm going to put it, and I don't have to see it too often right now because it's in my mom's car, not mine.

There is an old shirt stuffed around the straps to keep the buckles from clattering as the car moves. That sound nearly undid me on the drive home the night I placed her. I used to think about the seat every time I got in the car. I don't so much anymore. I know it's there, but that knowledge is in the back of my mind, not the front.

Yesterday I sorted through a bit of Roo's laundry. Normally, just seeing a tiny Onesie would be enough to bring me to tears. But I felt okay. I picked up a sleeper, and I folded it, and mostly what I thought was that I was looking forward to putting that sleeper on my future child or children. It reminded me a bit of Roo, but I know that she is happy and healthy and loved. And though I miss her dearly, she is not mine, and I am happy for the life she has now.

I feel at times that I will probably never marry, never have more children. I try to be optimistic, but it seems that men are too stubborn or shy or nervous to ask most women out. And I think, with my past, who would choose me over a woman who has made better life choices? Even though I have repented and turned my life around, I feel unworthy of a good man sometimes - especially since good men seem uninterested in me. I hope and pray that there is a good man out there for me, who will understand that the things I have been through made me the woman I am today. I just wonder where he is, and how long it will take me to find him.

I have to have hope. I've said it before and I'll say it again: placing Roo gave her an amazing future. And it stands to reason that for my sacrifice I'll be blessed with an amazing future as well. I just need to be a little patient.

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