Sunday, October 25, 2009

One Year Ago ...

October 25, 2008, 3:42pm:

I know I've written about this before, but since today's the anniversary, I thought I'd revisit it briefly ...

I think I knew I was pregnant before I took the test. I can't explain how, I just knew. I waited for the test to settle but I already knew what it was going to say. I was still shocked, though. I'd been hoping desperately that I was wrong, that I'd felt odd because I had a cold or the flu or food poisoning. Or that it was just my fibromyalgia wearing me down.

But there were two lines instead of one. And I freaked out. I vaguely remember shouting "No!" at the test, blinking to clear my eyes and make sure I saw what I thought I did. It felt unreal. I've read back through my journal for that day and the phrase I used over and over was, "This cannot be happening."

I wrote that I wanted more than anything in the world to go back in time and not have ever met H. I wanted to take everything back. "Okay, God," I wrote. "I get it. I've messed up. Lesson learned. Now make this go away! I'll be good, I swear."

It seems so stupid and juvenile now. I was angry with myself because now I couldn't go to Scotland in the summer, or go back to school, or get married and live happily ever after. I wrote about stretch marks and sagging and how it wasn't fair, I'd only just gotten back down to a size 12. How selfish of me to be concerned only with myself! I know why I felt that way, but I'm still amazed that it was only a year ago that I was so self-absorbed and shallow.

A lot has changed for me, besides the obvious things like having Roo and placing her. I have grown up so much. And I have a greater understanding of Heavenly Father's love for me and the plan He has for my life and for Roo's.

I do have stretch marks and sagging, and my c-section scar isn't pretty. But I don't hate my body. Instead, I marvel that my body was able to grow a perfect, healthy baby girl. I created her! I grew her! It's absolutely amazing. I did that. I gave that to her.

And I gave her the most wonderful parents on earth, fantastic people who love her every bit as much as I do, and who love me as well. I would never, not in a million years, take back the things I've done. I regret that I sinned, that I made mistakes. But had I not made them, there would be no Roo, and I simply can't imagine that. I can't accept that. I don't want to live in a Roo-free world. I have learned so much, grown so much. I learned to put someone else first, and it has made a world of a difference for us both.

One year ago, Roo was just a tiny speck, and I was just a selfish, scared little girl. Now she is a healthy, happy, perfect 3-month-old, and I am a grown woman who has done something amazing. If I took back my actions, not only would I not have had Roo, but P and M wouldn't have her either, and the thought of them not getting to be her parents breaks my heart. I had to mess up in order for one of God's precious children to get a body. I'm okay with that. Because of Christ's atonement, I can take back the sin without losing Roo. The Atonement makes ugly things beautiful and bitter things sweet. I sinned, but out of my sin came the answer to someone's prayers and the biggest blessing in my life.

I am so thankful, so blessed to have been Roo's mommy. And I am immeasurably blessed to be her birth mother. I still have that positive pregnancy test, tucked into a drawer somewhere. I take it out every now and then and look at it as a reminder that just because life doesn't turn out the way we'd like it to, doesn't mean it can't still turn out well.


Mother of the Wild Boys said...

I'm sure you're getting tired of me saying this...but awesome writing Jill. :)

Jill Elizabeth said...

I don't think I could ever get tired of reading that. Thanks! :o)