Saturday, October 3, 2009

Second Visit

I had a wonderful visit yesterday.

I got to hold and cuddle my Roo for nearly two-and-a-half hours, and it was fantastic. She really is the very best baby in the world. And absolutely the most beautiful. I could stare at her for hours. She has the most exquisitely expressive little face. She smiled at me several times. She is a very happy baby, very content. P and M are taking the very best care of her - her bumpy rash is gone, as is her cradle cap, and her skin and hair feel silky soft. She has new fat rolls and her wrists are deeply dimpled thanks to the roundness of her forearms.

It was so good to hold her again! And there was good news, too. P and M have hired a private attorney to finalize the adoption, so it's going to happen before Christmas instead of in five months. Roo will be sealed to her parents this December! I wish I could be in there, but I want Roo to have an eternal family as soon as possible. That is why I placed her, what I wanted most for her.

I felt great after my first visit. Yesterday was a little bit harder, for some reason. I don't know exactly why. I missed her a bit more. I think maybe it's to do with my latest project, which is printing out nearly every picture of Roo that I have ever taken - Walgreens must be sick of me by now. I've been sorting through around a thousand pictures, putting them in order and remembering.

I miss her. I miss her dreadfully. It is a constant ache. I wish at times that I had her back - not for her sake, but for mine. I know that she is so much better off with P and M as her parents, and for so many reasons. But I miss being her mommy. I miss having her to cuddle and love and take care of. Sometimes I wish I could summon her to me, just for a minute or two, for a quick snuggle or a kiss.

As much as I miss her, as much as I cried last night (not much, actually, all things considered), the visit did me so much good. The first one did, and this visit did, and I know that every visit to come will do me good. I need visits. I need to see that she's happy and healthy and loved. I need to see how happy P and M are, and how much she means to them. I know I made the right decision for my baby. But there's a difference between knowing it and seeing it, and seeing it goes a long way towards healing me.

LDSFS does school presentations for child development classes. They have an adoptive couple speak, and a birth mother. I am going to do my first presentation next week. I am excited to speak. I want to tell my story. I want the whole world to know how amazing open adoptions are. I placed my baby for adoption, but that wasn't the end of things. I have seen her since, and I will see her again. And we will both be happy.

1 comment:

audra said...

Alright you are on the school outreach circuit now! What school? Good luck and I'm sure you'll do a great job!