Friday, October 9, 2009

It's Always Something

I am having sort of a Joseph Smith moment.

I don't believe for a second that my struggles today are a drop in the ocean compared to the things the prophet went through when he was in jail. But I am having one of those days when I want to cry out, like Joseph, "O God, where art thou? And where is the pavilion that covereth thy hiding place?" (Doctrine and Covenants 121:1, by the way.)

I am supposed to expect great and wonderful blessings for both my obedience to God's commandments, and for the sacrifice I made in placing my sweet baby for adoption. While I don't expect the life-changing blessings to start right away, it seems just cruel that instead of even small blessings, one thing after another goes wrong in my life.

Since I was fired from my job a year ago August, I have applied for seven jobs, and I have been turned down every time. What little savings I had were spent on Roo. I had around $300 in my Wells Fargo account until about a week ago, when someone stole my debit card number and spent $486, effectively wiping out my savings.

Wells Fargo told me they would investigate and give me provisional credit to cover the fraud. Not only have they not done that in the past week, they charged me a $35 fee for not having the funds in my account to cover the fraudulent charges! I got a notice today that if I don't pony up in the next 30 days, there will be legal action taken and my credit will be ruined. My credit already took a hit in this past year because I made two late payments and accidentally went over the limit on my credit card.

On top of this, I think I may be coming down with something, and I am almost positive I have a cavity, and I need a refill of one of my prescriptions, but I can't take care of any of those things because my insurance company just dropped me.

There's kind of a story here. Insurance for Roo was a thousand bucks a month. My insurance is about $400. I've got COBRA coverage through my dad's employer for another year and a half or so. My mother and I, for the most part, could not afford to insure Roo. So when I decided to place her in September, we didn't pay for Roo's coverage for September, we only paid for mine. As a result of this so-called non-payment, my coverage has been dropped.

I am uninsured, unemployed, and broke. And my car hasn't run since May, and despite my new exercise program I have gained weight, and I am having nightmares again, and one of my best friends in the world is unsupportive of my decision to place Roo, and I've had a migraine for two weeks - complete with occular floaters, and my mom's financial situation has been better, and it's my birthday in two weeks and I am miserable.

I don't expect the blessings to just pour in because I've been obedient and done what was best for my baby. But is it asking too much that things not be completely terrible?

I'm sorry to rant so much and sort of deviate from the normal purpose of this blog. But I am frustrated and angry and writing always helps.

I need to not be frustrated and angry. I need to count my blessings. I need to remember what is going well in my life. I have a new calling in my ward, and I am meeting new people at FHE, and I am going to tell my adoption story tomorrow at a workshop for adoptive parents. Roo is chubby and happy and healthy and content and there are dozens of people who love her very dearly. She has a mommy and daddy who are going to have her sealed to them.

And God loves me, just as He loves Joseph Smith. I know that God doesn't show His love by making our lives easier. He shows His love by being there for us when our lives aren't easy, and I know that He is here for me now.

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