Thursday, October 15, 2009

On Learning, Happiness, and Moving On

I miss my Roo today.

I miss her, but I think what I miss most today (Wednesday, I don't care that it's after midnight) is being Roo's mommy.

I loved holding her and feeling her little body relax against mine, sure that she was safe and loved. Her perfect trust in me was overwhelming and lovely and I miss it terribly.

I miss being the one to feed her and burp her and rock her to sleep. I miss being the one to pick her up when she fusses or cries, the one who changes diapers and washes tiny clothes and gives baths and answers to the name of Mommy.

I wonder sometimes if it would have been easier for me if I'd placed Roo at birth, if I hadn't had the chance to be her mother. It was terrible to go from being a mother to not being a mother, to go from a million wonderful little responsibilities to none at all. But I don't think I could have placed her when she was brand-spanking new. I think I needed to be her mother for a little while. It's selfish, but she needed me as well, and I took the best care of her, and I did do the right thing by her, even if I waited a little longer than most do. And being Roo's mommy was the most amazing thing in the world.

I learned so much from being her mommy. I learned how very much I am capable of loving someone else. I learned to be selfless, to put someone else first, to put all of my energy into making another person happy and how to forget about myself. I learned that when you love someone that deeply, you will do anything in the world for them, even if it means breaking your own heart to do it.

Because my sacrifice was so great, so has been my new-found strength. And I think that some day I'll hold every bit as much joy as I've held sorrow. I miss Roo, but it's selfish. I miss being her mommy for my sake, not hers. It's okay. I was her mommy for nine weeks, after I carried her and grew her for nine months, and nothing can change that, and no one can take it away from me. It will always be mine. The rest of her life is for Roo's parents. And Roo could not possibly have better parents in all the world. If any couple was ever meant to be parents, it's P and M. I don't feel they could possibly love Roo any more than I do, but I am certain that they love her every bit as much.

I miss my Roo, and yet ... it's okay. I'm okay. It's easier than it was. A few weeks ago I was crushed under the weight of how much I missed her. I am so thankful that I can miss her and not lose it. That I can miss her and still be okay.

And I am. Roo is the best, happiest, sweetest, most content baby in all of the universe. I will always be her birth mother, her almost-mother. Every mother wants for her children to have peace and joy. How can I not be happy when my baby is doing so well? She thrives. And so shall I.


jgirl said...

I know you are not interested in what I have to say, but I understand the loss you feel and how you just ache to have your baby back to hold. When my ex-husband and I split up, he took all three of my kids to live with his sister clear on the other side of the state. My baby was 1. Although I was able to visit them it only ended up being about every other month until I was able to regain custody of them almost two years later. (He was emotionally, verbally and physically abusive) The only way I was able to get him to leave in the first place was to agree to let him take the kids. My arms ached on a daily basis for all of my kids to hold, especially my baby. I cried so much in those years, but was able to gain strength from it. I can do anything and will not let him hold power over me anymore (yes, this includes holding no animosity towards him at all whatsoever). I know you won't post this and that's fine I don't expect you are just like one of my younger siblings and that's all. Take care Jill.

Shane, Meg, CJ, RJ, and AL said...

What a lucky girl to have three people that love her with that deep love that only a parent can feel for a child!