Tuesday, October 6, 2009

Spreading the Word

My mother and I went shopping today.

It was sort of for my birthday, and sort of as a post-placement thing. We went shopping for something pretty to commemorate Roo's adoption.

The saleslady was very kind and helpful. She asked if I was shopping for any particular occasion, or just because. I didn't answer right away.

What should I say? Should I explain to a complete stranger that I was a mother for two months and then I gave my baby girl to someone else? For the most part, people have been supportive of me and my decision. But I never know how people are going to react.

And even if people are supportive - or at the least, not unsupportive - I know I'm going to hear some of those phrases I hate to hear. Phrases like, "Oh, I could never do that." Or "You made the right decision." Or "Don't you love your baby?" Or "Why didn't you keep her?"

In the end, I told her it was just because - because I wanted something pretty. I didn't have the mental energy to get into it. But I wonder if I made the right call?

Maybe I should have told her my story, even if just the short version. Should I have made more of an effort to promote adoption? I feel this strange sort of responsibility now, like I need to be an adoption ambassador and tell the world how awesome it is.

But my grief is still a little too fresh. I'm not ready to go one-on-one with a stranger at the mall. I wonder if I ever will be. As anxious as I am to talk about adoption at schools and the like, that's a different audience. It's harder, more strange, when I'm not sure what to expect from people. And I think, too, is it really anybody's business?

I don't know. So I think, in the meantime, I will keep it to myself, and stick to polite smiles and short answers. I'll talk more freely when I'm ready. If I'm ever ready. I'm in no rush.

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