Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Six Weeks

I've been feeling a bit depressed lately.

It's not got much to do with Roo, I don't think. It's mostly just me. Friday is my birthday. I always get depressed around my birthday. I know that most people don't like getting older. That part doesn't bother me so much. It's just that I have a bad track record with birthdays. I haven't had a good one since I was a little kid.

A few months ago, I thought I knew what this birthday was going to be like. I could picture it in my mind. It was going to be my first birthday as a mother. I even bought a special outfit for Roo to wear. I thought that Roo would probably take an interest in my discarded gift wrap, and my mom would take a lot of pictures of me with my baby girl. Maybe we'd go out to eat, but we'd have cake at home, same as always. And I would remember it as my best birthday ever, because I would spend it with Roo.

Now I can't imagine Roo being here for my birthday. Not because I don't want to (I'd love to still have her, of course), but because it seems strange now that I was ever her mother. Every week that passes seems to feel like a month. September 9th seems like a lifetime ago. I keep thinking that Roo must be older than she is, because placement feels like another eon.

I still miss her. Gosh, how I miss her. I miss being a mommy. I miss the future I thought I might have. But the pain isn't as acute. When I see Roo, she doesn't feel like mine anymore. She belongs to, and with, P and M. She's their baby, not mine.

This isn't going to be the birthday I had planned. I will still wear the new sweater I bought for the occasion, but I won't be coordinating with Roo. I'll be getting up early and going to a high school to speak about my adoption experience. I don't know what the rest of the day will bring. I'm probably going to have a visit on Saturday. I'm looking forward to it. Not the birthday I'd planned to be sure, but that's probably a good thing. I think it's going to be better. I won't celebrate my birthday as a single mother. I'll celebrate as the birth mother of an amazing little girl who has two families who love her. All I've ever wanted was for Roo to be happy. She is happy with her family. That's the only birthday present I need.

The past six weeks have been the hardest of my life. But I have grown more and learned more in them than I have at any other point in my life. I can't wait to see what the next six weeks bring.

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